Drop by drop

 

There’s this emotion that I can’t quiet describe. I hate feeling it. It makes me sad. It makes me feel empty. It makes me cry. It makes me do or say stupid things, things that I usually regret afterwards.
This feeling does not allow me to think clearly.
Over the years I have learned to control a lot of my feelings. But with this one; this one is different.

The (sub)drop

Looking back and knowing that it was “just” drop, makes me see the men I’ve been with in a new way. Not necessary in a better way.
The way they reacted to me feeling it. They all are “experienced” Doms and one would think that they should know about subdrop and what to do with that sub. (I’m not going to talk about the guy who said: “Drop? As in fall down?” And: “Subdrop? What’s that? Do I have to be a woman to understand that?”)

P would usually make me feel as if I was crazy and not able to control myself. Somehow he would also disappear for a while, after him and me played and I left to go back home to Germany. Which was not helpful. I had the need to talk to him. Talk about what happened, how I felt and still feel. But he was nowhere to find.

J on the other hand was always there (in an online kind of way), but was not very smart with the aftercare in general and the drop. As an example: He had given me a big task and I have been working towards it for a long time. One day I finally did it and completed my task. Of course I was on a high that day and he paid a lot of attention to me. But the next day, when that high would fade and I felt a low he told me that he will have a new official submissive. (Guess, what I was… I was “non-official”.) That didn’t help with my drop.

And then came a man, who was and is not dominant with me. We started talking, became friends and finally decided to meet. In order to have some “recreational” time. Meaning to have sex 🙂
Before we met, I told him that I probably will be a mess afterwards and in the need of attention. He said: “It’s ok. It’s drop. That is normal. I will be here for you to talk to.”

Really? Was it that simple? It suddenly made sense to me. It’s just a drop.
It was a relieve for me. I suddenly stopped feeling like a crazy girl. The feeling had a name. Somehow that made it easier for me. The feeling was still there, but it had a name. And I knew I am not alone with it. He was there to support me and help me get through it.

What I started doing now is that I get upset BEFORE I drop, because I know that it’s coming. But I can express myself and I also know that it will be over.

I still find it upsetting. So there I am, having a great time with a person. Connecting with him, maybe even knowing that I will see him again. And instead of being happy about the time we had, I get depressed. And am sad. It really confuses me. I would understand that I would be upset, if we had a horrible time. But being sad about something good and nice? This does not sound logical to me at all.

I most certainly will drop. I am ok with it. It is a normal thing and I deal with it.

Please do not allow anyone tell you that it is wrong or that you should not have feelings like that. Also, let people help you. And if the Dom or play-partner doesn’t see the need to help you and be there for you then it is time for you to leave.