I hit the puberty… Again

I think I hit the puberty…. Again

What do I mean? I’ve been looking back on my year and thinking about all the things that happened. All the things I went through. All my experiences.
And suddenly I realised that I am having a déjà vu. I was acting the way that I acted 13 years ago. I was feeling the same way and might even have been thinking the same way.
I hit my BDSM puberty!
I admit I am shocked. Mostly because I thought I learned from my previous experience.

I went from man to man. Not allowing myself to wait and think about what I have had with the last one. I was afraid to be alone. I didn’t want to miss anything. And of course I was flattered that some many men were interested in me.
It wasn’t much different when I was a teenager. I’ve been with more than my share of boys and men back then. I didn’t sleep with all of them. Actually with the most I didn’t. But I’ve dated a lot.

I didn’t stop to think about what it was that I wanted or needed. I did a couple of things I am not proud of. Of some I am a bit ashamed. But in the end I have learned and grown. Afterwards I envied my friends, who somehow throughout the puberty, knew what they wanted and what they didn’t.

So here I am and I finally start to understand who I am and what I want, regarding D/s. I now am in a place where I can look back and see what went wrong and why. And I can even say that I am proud of every experience I made. It taught me something. And I seem to be a person who has to learn it the hard way sometimes.

I envy people who didn’t need to go through something to understand what they want and, especially, what they don’t want. But now I am there too and can try and concentrate on finding what I want.

I am not sure if this makes any sense to any of you. But writing things down always makes me feel better.