I hit the puberty… Again

I hit the puberty… Again

I think I hit the puberty…. Again

What do I mean? I’ve been looking back on my year and thinking about all the things that happened. All the things I went through. All my experiences.
And suddenly I realised that I am having a déjà vu. I was acting the way that I acted 13 years ago. I was feeling the same way and might even have been thinking the same way.
I hit my BDSM puberty!
I admit I am shocked. Mostly because I thought I learned from my previous experience.

I went from man to man. Not allowing myself to wait and think about what I have had with the last one. I was afraid to be alone. I didn’t want to miss anything. And of course I was flattered that some many men were interested in me.
It wasn’t much different when I was a teenager. I’ve been with more than my share of boys and men back then. I didn’t sleep with all of them. Actually with the most I didn’t. But I’ve dated a lot.

I didn’t stop to think about what it was that I wanted or needed. I did a couple of things I am not proud of. Of some I am a bit ashamed. But in the end I have learned and grown. Afterwards I envied my friends, who somehow throughout the puberty, knew what they wanted and what they didn’t.

So here I am and I finally start to understand who I am and what I want, regarding D/s. I now am in a place where I can look back and see what went wrong and why. And I can even say that I am proud of every experience I made. It taught me something. And I seem to be a person who has to learn it the hard way sometimes.

I envy people who didn’t need to go through something to understand what they want and, especially, what they don’t want. But now I am there too and can try and concentrate on finding what I want.

I am not sure if this makes any sense to any of you. But writing things down always makes me feel better.


  1. Congrats on being able to introspect and come out of it with a goal and a positive outlook. There is one thing however that does not compute: “I envy people who didn’t need to go through something to understand what they want and, especially, what they don’t want.” Who are these people? I don’t think they exist. I think everyone has to go through something to know what they want in life. This something doesn’t have to be a negative either. Something positive happened to me that made me choose my career. There were a lot of negative somethings that happened to me to be able to appreciate the relationships I have today. I think it’s our experiences that really make us who we are and I doubt anyone out there never had “something” happen that let them know what they did or didn’t want in this life.

    1. Thank you, Mina. And you are right. Everyone has “something” happen to them that made them who they are today. As I was writing that post I was thinking about something negative and meant to say that I envy the people that found out what they want through something positive. I don’t see going from man to man to man as something positive, for me anyway.

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