(Not) falling in love

(Not) falling in love

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I was the type of girl who would fall in love very easily. People called me a slut or even a whore because I had a lot of boyfriends. But looking back now I see that I had feelings for each and every one of them.

When I got older and had longer relationships I still was emotionally the same. I would fall in love and then suffer when it ended.

I came to realise that I had to protect myself. So I built a wall around myself. Trying not to let men come too close to me and my heart. I still let my guard down, but I became better and better. I taught myself not to fall in love. Or at least not to fall too hard.
When I feel that I start having feelings for a man, I get control over myself. I start being rational and my head begins to talk sense into my heart.
Of course it doesn’t always work and I am not a coldhearted monster. I still feel, but as I said, it’s all under control. Because a part of me is always aware of the way I feel when I let my guard down and am hurt.

But sometimes there are those moments, when I also remember how wonderful it is to be in love. How good it feels, how happy it makes me, how incredible it is. And in this moments I get sad, because I know that I am the person who is denying me this joy.

So tonight I have been torturing myself by looking and listening and thinking about things which would make me feel in love. And although I am not allowing that to happen, it does feel good for a moment – before it starts hurting.

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