Month: <span>February 2012</span>

Month: February 2012

Taking a break from thinking

(Writing this post made me remember why I started in the first place. Simply putting my thoughts down on “paper” made me much better.)

I have been having an emotionally stressing time lately.
It reached its peak last week. And it’s still not over.

The main thing that has been stressing me is my job situation. Very soon I will be out of a job and I don’t know what will come after that. I had some interviews. A couple of them even sounded good. But nothing worked out so far.

I also got ill and was feeling pretty bad for a week. It seems I have been caring a virus before and have infected two people. I was feeling bad, seeing them feeling horrible.

And then also last week and the week before, I had a few run-ins with some men, Doms mainly.
Because I was in a not very good state, I took a lot of things which were said to me too seriously or was offended by it. (That also applies to things said to me by women.)

Two of the guys turned out to be nice actually and somehow we got over me being too fast to judge and had a fresh start.
Then another one was my ex, P (the English Daddy). I blame him for everything and he’s always the bad guy. That’s what he says that I say. It could be argued about that being true or not. But I actually do not care.

The thing that really pushed me over the edge somehow, was an email from my last Dom, Principal Allen. I liked to think that he was the “sane” one, amongst my “exes”. But I guess I was wrong.
After I tried to connect him and didn´t hear from him in about 4 weeks, I started to worry.
It’s not like we talked a lot. But when both of us were online on the chat we used to use, we always said hi.
Right after the break-up we didn´t talk. Mostly because first I was very busy and then he was away on a long vacation.
A couple of months ago we chatted and he told me about his new girlfriend. He even emailed me her picture. I was very happy for him. (I admit, I was a bit annoyed by him talking about her a LOT, but still glad he found someone.)

The last time we spoke, it turned out that a friend of his girlfriend was spying on him, or something like that. She found out things about him and he was wondering how. Obviously.
He thought maybe I have been talking to her. But I haven’t been talking about him with anyone or even on Twitter for a long time.
We even made plans to meet for a coffee some time.

Then my iPod update happened and it took me some time to remember all my passwords, including the one for the Y!chat. When I finally signed in and saw him online, I didn´t get a response. Not on my email, not on my text. Until I said I will come over.

Suddenly he told me that I have been “stirring shit for months” and that I was trying to ruin his relationship.

That hit me hard. I’m ok with people not liking me, even hating me, not wanting to do anything to do with me. But that is simply not true.
I’m still not sure whether it was really him or maybe his girlfriend writing. And if it was him, from where he got that idea. Maybe one day I will know.

The worst part is that he had still a few of my things. For example my nipple clamps and two of my skirts. He threw it all away. Because I never connected him again. (That’s actually what makes me think that at some point I stopped talking to him and started talking to his girlfriend.)
I’m not very sad about the clamps and one of the skirts. But the other one was one of my favourite. That plaid one I wear on some of my FL pics.

Now add to all of that a bit of a drop and there I was, in a very bad mood, in a pretty unnice place.

At some point I realised that I had to shut up for a while and luckily my RL helped me with that. I suddenly was very busy with a couple of projects.
Seeing people, organising things, running around, doing chores, laughing, talking and and and. That all helped me.

Although some of my problems are still there, I am in a better place after taking a break from thinking and over-thinking everything.

I hope next time I will have the strength to do that again.

Thank you for being for me, even when I’m not the best person to be around. 🙂

Love,
Lilly

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But, Sir

“But, Sir…”
He looked at me and I knew, the smart thing was to shut up. I lowered my eyes and bit my lower lip. I felt his eyes on me. He walked around me, shaking his head.
“When will you learn? Am I such a bad teacher?” I opened my mouth to answer. “Be quiet! I don´t want to hear one word from you.” With this words he grabbed my arm and pulled me through the room. I knew what was coming and I hated it.

He stopped at the corner. “Take off your clothes”, he said while searching his pockets. “Ah, there it is”, he said as he took out a battery. There were no emotions in voice when he said:”Hands behind your back. Get into the corner and don´t drop the battery.” I knew the drill. I took a step towards the corner. My nose touched the wall and he placed the battery on my nose. He walked away.

I heard him doing something around the kitchen, then he sat down on the sofa. I could tell that he had a magazine in his hands. But I wasn’t sure if he was reading or just flipping the pages while watching me.
It seemed as if I was there for hours. I got more and more uncomfortable by the second. I tried to concentrate on something else, but my mind always came back to myself in the corner.

Suddenly I heard him move. A little sigh escaped from my mouth. He walked past me into the bedroom, opened a drawer, closed it, opened another one. What was he looking for? Whatever it was, he found it in the third drawer. He walk back to me. I felt his hands on my arms and then there was rope. He tied my arms together. Tight enough, so I couldn’t move them. He walked back into the bedroom and returned.

It seemed as if he kneeled down. I wasn’t sure until I felt his breath on my ass. I got nervous. Again he made me wait. There was silence. I heard him breath and then his whip hit me. I was so surprised that I almost turned my head. I only made a small move and the battery started to move as well. I stopped immediately. My heart slowed down again and in that moment another whiplash hit me.
I closed my eyes, felt the sting faint. Those were just little ones, but they sure were painful.

He stood up. I saw him standing next me. I could make out that he lifted his arm. Another lash was about to happen. But I was not prepared for what he had in mind.
On lash after the other landed on my bottom. I tried counting them, but I couldn’t concentrate.
I felt tears in my eyes, running down my cheeks. My ass was burning. With every hit I let out a cry.
“Sir, please stop”, I sobbed.
“Didn’t I tell you to be quite?” he answered, while continuing to mark my butt.

I knew that soon I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. The room began to spin. I closed my eyes. I only heard the whip meeting my ass. And then there it was, it dropped. The battery rolled over the floor.
He stopped and looked me. My eyes were still shut, I lowered my head, turned around to him. My knees became weak and I had to kneel down.

I felt his arms holding me, helping me down. My arms were still bound behind my back, tears were running down my face. Finally I found the strength to open my eyes and look up to him.

He stood over me, looking down. No words were needed. He understood the apology in my eyes and I knew he had forgiven me.

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