Something started changing. I’m not sure when or how. I just know for a fact that my feelings and desires are changing.
I have been absent from Twitter, FetLife, my blog. I didn’t have much desire for sex. And no desire at all for D/s.
With most things I though it was just a phase and would pass. But with D/s I was sure to be over it.
The thought of being a sub didn’t turn me on. It actually felt weird and wrong to me.
I was alright with that. I experienced a bit of it. Got hurt a lot and moved on.
A couple of weeks ago, I started feeling different. I began to be more aware of what I wear. I put on make up again. I tweeted. A lot. It was fun.
Then my sex drive got back. Slowly, but it did. Happy me. Not only the orgasms were fun, but also the things that lead up to it.
Last Friday I was talking with someone about fantasies. And I was enjoying it. Needless to say, the fantasies were of kinky nature.
Last night I called a follower “Sir”. Just as a joke. He was telling me that I should go to sleep. Being just a bit firm. The moment I typed the word and hit send, I felt an excitement which I haven’t felt for a long time.
This morning, while I was listening to a lecture of an event which I organised, my had was somewhere else. Dreaming of kneeling next to a Dom – my Dom – with my hands tied behind my back.
Then I realised the full impact of it. And all I could think was “Oh dear”.
Why? Because I was hurt. Because it is not possible to find a normal Dom. One who is available and willing to play. Because I know better.
Yet, I crave to serve again. To have tasks. To please my Master.
I am scared.
Maybe looking for someone to love and trust should come 1st then eventually sort of falling “into it” I was a sub until i met my wife and then i switched as she was more sub than me but it was a gradual process. It took her ages to trust me and to go for it. So maybe . . just maybe that’s what you need to do.
Steve
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I’m pretty much where you are. I find myself growing farther and farther away from d/s as a lifestyle. A lot of the things that used to turn me on, just turn me off. Submissive proclamations just make me roll my eyes now.
Do I still have the urge to submit? Yes, very much so. I don’t think I will ever not have that urge, but I’m growing into the realization that I can’t have what I want. I had it briefly, it was fantastic while it lasted, but lightening can’t strike twice. I made my choice in life, I am married to a man who has no interest in being my dominant, but I have the gift in being able to search it elsewhere. But I don’t think I will find a dominant out there. Not one to call my own. I think I will find many men who enjoy doing such play with me, but when we leave the bedroom the d/s stays there. I’m becoming ok with this. I’m not sure I actually want to get back into that world again.
Mmm good girl Lillith! Consider finding yourself a good Daddy/Dom who will love and adore you as his little girl, as well as Dominate you. But be careful of the wanna-bes and pretenders and predators out there. It would be a pity not to try to fulfil the submission that burns away inside you! 🙂