Something started changing. I’m not sure when or how. I just know for a fact that my feelings and desires are changing.
I have been absent from Twitter, FetLife, my blog. I didn’t have much desire for sex. And no desire at all for D/s.
With most things I though it was just a phase and would pass. But with D/s I was sure to be over it.
The thought of being a sub didn’t turn me on. It actually felt weird and wrong to me.
I was alright with that. I experienced a bit of it. Got hurt a lot and moved on.
A couple of weeks ago, I started feeling different. I began to be more aware of what I wear. I put on make up again. I tweeted. A lot. It was fun.
Then my sex drive got back. Slowly, but it did. Happy me. Not only the orgasms were fun, but also the things that lead up to it.
Last Friday I was talking with someone about fantasies. And I was enjoying it. Needless to say, the fantasies were of kinky nature.
Last night I called a follower “Sir”. Just as a joke. He was telling me that I should go to sleep. Being just a bit firm. The moment I typed the word and hit send, I felt an excitement which I haven’t felt for a long time.
This morning, while I was listening to a lecture of an event which I organised, my had was somewhere else. Dreaming of kneeling next to a Dom – my Dom – with my hands tied behind my back.
Then I realised the full impact of it. And all I could think was “Oh dear”.
Why? Because I was hurt. Because it is not possible to find a normal Dom. One who is available and willing to play. Because I know better.
Yet, I crave to serve again. To have tasks. To please my Master.
I am scared.