I am scared

I am scared

I am scared.

I have opened up for D/s again. I have set up profiles on dating sites and have chatted with a lot of men.
With one I even got very close.
And now I’m scared.
I’m scared to fall in love.
Scared to be hurt.
Scared to be used.
Scared that he won’t feel the same way I do.
Scared that I’m just a pastime.
Scared that someone else can give him all he wants, while I can only give him a little bit.
Scared that his words might just be words.

You get the picture. I am scared.
I don’t want to go through the heartache again. I don’t want to sit around not knowing what will happen.

My heart wants trust and let go, wants to feel that exciting feeling. But my head keeps saying:”Be careful. They all hurt you.”

Love fucking hurts!

It’s normal to have doubts.
Too often have I entered a relationship ignoring them and have found myself wounded.

In my head I keep saying that I can’t do that again. That’s not true. Of course I can. I don’t want to, but I can. I simply know that picking myself up and waiting for the wounded feelings to heal takes a lot of time and effort.

It took me a long time to open up and want a relationship of this nature again. I’m not sure how long it will take me the next time.

I want to see his eyes and feel wether I am able to lose myself in him. Yet, I am scared.

2 Comments

  1. I know you a little bit more on a personal level. I would highly suggest not falling in love. I know that these things can’t be controlled entirely, but if you can, don’t. Truth of the matter is, all things come to an end eventually. We all hope it will be later than sooner. Time and time again though, my relations end up ending a lot sooner than I would like. I am trying to focus more and more on the good times I have in the present, knowing that one day it will all be over.

    If you hold back too much, you won’t get to experience this new adventure. Great things come with great risks. It is difficult to open yourself up again. I know this very well. But if you really want this part of your life back, you’re going to have to give an inch.

  2. Pingback: Loving-less love… | Lillith's Blog

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