I am insecure. I know most people are at some point in their life.
I’ve always been insecure. I ask myself whether something that is happening to me, is really happening to me. I wonder why good things happen to me.
I often assume that there’s some kind of bad plot behind something good.
I don’t know why I keep thinking that good things can’t happen to me. And if they do, I assume they’re not good and something must be wrong.
It’s hard for me to accept something without questioning it and looking for a problem.
This is true for a lot of things in my life.
When coming to men it is even weirder. Deep inside me I believe that a good looking man cannot be interested in me. Why? I wish I knew.
I don’t care much about looks. A person can be beautiful from the inside. But somehow good looking man have always been different. I thought, and think, of them as “out of my league”.
I don’t think of myself as bad looking. I guess I’m average. I’m not unhappy with myself. There are parts of me I like more than others, but all in all, I’m pleased with my looks and the way I feel about me.
On the rare occasion when I find myself talking to a man, of whom I think that he’s gorgeous, I doubt that he’ll like me and want to be with me.
I keep on wondering why he is still talking to me and flirting with me. And maybe even kissing me. (That’s when I assume he wants just sex.)
I know that I shouldn’t think that way. I really really shouldn’t but I can’t help it.
So, there’s this beautiful guy. He tells me he wants me and can’t stop thinking about me. And instead of being happy, I get even more insecure and wonder, what will happen and wait for him to change his mind.
This is the first time ever that I openly talked about it. As I said, I don’t know what the reason is. Maybe one day I can accept that someone who is beautiful on the inside AND the outside likes me.