There it was again. This word.
It’s been a long time since it was said/written to me. Yet, it hurts as much as it did before.
I can deal with angry, upset and so on. But disappointed is different.
When I am told that I disappointed him, it hurts. It makes me feel bad. Sometimes it makes me feel like a failure. And all I can think about is:”How can I change that? How can I make him proud of me again?”
Why is it so special? What about being a disappointment is more terrible than other things?
I’m not quite sure.
All I know is that it makes me feel worse and work harder. It also takes longer for me to feel that he doesn’t feel like that anymore. I need to hear him say it.
Disappointment goes deeper. In me as well as in him. Or at least I assume so.
Of course it has been used too much and not in the right context. But I found a way to feel, if a Dom really meant it or was just trying to put my head in a place where it shouldn’t be.
Knowing that I disappointed him puts me in a very deep subby space.
It is a space I need to be in sometimes. A space that gives me a lot of motivation.
But it is also a space that makes me sad and insecure.
So when he told me that he is disappointed, it hurts very bad. But I know he will be proud of me again.
Because I don’t to be a disappointment.