How did I forget about that?

How did I forget about that?

This morning, as I was lying awake in bed at 6 am, and was trying to figure out why I was awake and to sort out all those thoughts I was having in the past few days, I suddenly realised what was happening to me. And let me tell you, I was not amused…

It’s been a while since I played. You know the D/s kind of way. For about one and a half years, up until the beginning of this year, I wasn’t interested in playing, having a Dom. I wasn’t feeling the desire to submit.
In the past six months I was in contact with a couple of men, I even met some. But most things didn’t work out. And when it did then the times we got together were rare and not very intense.

But now I finally got to play twice in two weeks, for a couple of hours and extremely intense. I was on a high. Happy, hurting and bruised (in a good way), very submissive.
After our first time playing, there were many things happening in my private life, so I didn’t really have time to think about it too much. It took me almost two week to write about it.
And yet, looking back, there was that feeling. Even if it was really small.

After playing this week it was different. There’s not much happening work wise and also other parts in my life gave me more free time to think and stress about stuff.
I was having some weird feelings. I was needy and wanted attention and talking. Little things drove me crazy.
So after some consideration I thought I was PMSing. It explained so many of my symptoms, especially the being annoyed by every little thing.
All day yesterday I was happily PMSing, although deep down I knew, that wasn’t the case. And then finally, this morning, at 6 am I understood.

I am sub-dropping. (How could I have even forgotten about that?)

That makes much more sense. But I still do not know how to deal with it properly.
I have clear moments, when I can see that I act weird and have no reason to say/think/do the way and the things I am. But let’s be honest, those moments are very rare.
Most of the time I stress about tiny little thoughts and all I want is to talk to him and see him again.
Does he like me? Does he even want me? What can I text him? How far can I go before he thinks I’m crazy? And so on.

I know that it’ll go away. But I don’t know what I can do to make it better. And I don’t even know what he can do.
Part of me thinks that it would help, if we could define what it is we are. Set some rules, talk some more after/before playing.
Maybe it would help knowing when I get to see him again.
Maybe there’s nothing that can help and I just need to find a way to deal with it.

How do you deal with sub-drop?


  1. Durian

    I read some postings on your blog and I sensed to you. Of course just an imagination – I know. But I started to be curious who you really are.

    Durian from the SZ

  2. Pingback: The good in the bad | Lillith's Blog

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