I always had fantasies. Day dreaming about everything.
The older I got, the more sexual did my fantasies get. Looking back at them, it is clear to me that I have always liked the idea of BDSM. It excited me, even though I couldn´t really name any of the things I pictured.
A lot of these fantasies changed over the years. Some became more specific, some stopped being exciting. About a few I wrote and some actually got fulfilled.
But there´s one, which has been with me for many years now. I haven talked about it with some of my ex Doms. There were a few attempts to make it come true, but somehow it never worked out.
Either because it the guy was too concentrated on what he wanted than on how I wanted it. Or because my claustrophobia got in the way. Or because there was no good place or time to do it.
The idea aroused me very much, but at the same time I feel very bad for that. I even have trouble writing it down.
What I am talking about is rape play.
I picture being forced, fighting back, being held so tight that I can´t move. Being pushed against the wall, into the bed, wherever. Hearing him whisper threats into my ear. His hand on my mouth.
Having my panties teared off and my shirt ripped open.
I could go on and on, describing what it is that I desire. But at the same time I feel bad for having this thoughts. The idea that is excites me so much makes me wonder what is wrong with me.
How can I fantasies about rape, when rape is a horrible thing?
Why can something so bad and disgusting even be in my thoughts?
Of course one you argue that it´s not the same. Rape play is consensual and safe (I´m not so sure about sane). The moment I say the safeword he stops. Everything can be negotiated beforehand.
But it still is playing out a situation, which I don´t wish on anyone.
So here I am, thinking that maybe I need to play it and get it out of my system. And my next thought is: It´s wrong! Don´t even think that.
So here it is, my dark thought, my darkest fantasy. And I am torn.
See which dark thoughts others have:
I think many of us have rape fantasies (I do) and feel guilty because we have them (I do). Thanks for sharing!
I agree with Marie, I think this is a very common fantasy, way more common than we know to be honest as many women would never voice their thoughts.
I know I have a powerful rape fantasy. I think pretending it is not dark and maybe even dangerous in some ways is denying a truth but having a rape fantasy and the act of violence that is rape are in my mind very different things. One is based around a consensual exploration of a non consensual act and the other is not…
I agree with Molly’s comment. I also have rape fantasies, and also feel bad about then, but then I remind myself that it’s only a thought, a fantasy. I don’t actually want to be raped. But I can’t control my thoughts. And as Molly said, rape fantasies and actual rape are completely different.
Great post and I agree with the comments before. It is not as uncommon as you think it is, it is just maligned because it is akin to the real deal.
Let me ask this in a different way. In you fantasy I am assuming you hare out of control and the “attacker” is forcing his will on you. That is common, ummm damn ok here it is. I am no strange to that kind of play. In fact my wife and I play like that often. It is exciting for us both. I really enjoy telling her her husband will never be able to fuck her like I am. how I stalked her from the grocery store or gas station. I wear a mask from time to time to heighten the illusion, and then she can put up on hell of a fight.
Are we wrong to play like this? I don’t think so and afterward we have a talk over session and I make sure everything is ok.
I know that helps a little.
ich hingegen glaube, dass Vergewaltigungsfantasien von Frauen viel weniger “bedenklich” sind als manch andere Fantasien. Ich glaube das deshalb, da ich vermute, dass in diesen Fantasien die Frauen nicht träumen, dass der/die Vergewaltiger mit ihnen Dinge tun, die ihnen wirklich körperlich schaden. Oder die sie psychisch beschädigen. Beides passiert ja meist in realen Vergewaltigungen und genau deshalb ist dort zwischen Fantasie und Realität so ein großer Unterschied. Weterhin ist es so, dass Vergewaltigungen (insbesondere von Frauen) ja tatsächlich leider “Alltag” sind. Deshalb wird sich jede Frau schon sehr früh mit dem Gedanken auseinandersetzen, wie es denn wäre, wenn ihr das zustoßen würde. Dass dies dann Eingang in die Fantasien findet, halte ich eher für sehr normal. Weiterhin ist eine Vergewaltigung der ultimative Kontrollverlust….
… (Fortsetzung) und die Frau muss die Kontrolle nicht bewusst abgeben, sie muss sich nicht “fallenlassen”, sie muss sich nicht entspannen. Davon zu träumen, vergewaltigt zu werden, bedeutet also auch, davon zu träumen, sich fallen zu lassen, ohne dass Frau selbst dazu viel beitragen muss. Und dann kommt natürlich noch der “Thrill” der Aufregung, der Angst dazu (ähnlich wie bei vielen Varianten von “dunkleren” Spielen, z.B. “Breathplay”, sex in der Öffentlichkeit, sex mit völlig Unbekannten). Lange Rede, kurzer Sinn, ich glaube Frauen träumen eher nicht davon vor Angst zu zittern, brutal und schmerzhaft in ihre trockene Vagina gefickt zu werden und dabei nichts anderes zu empfinden als Schmerz und Angst. Bedenklich finde ich eher, wenn Männer solche Fantasien haben. Klar, dass kann ich leicht sagen, weil ich niemals davon fantasiere, dass eine Frau nicht geil findet, was ich tue.
Having dark desires and even had rape fantasies myself, i can understand the torn feelings about those fantasies.
Sadly, those fantasies have stripped away from me because i’ve actually been raped.
It took me years to make a difference again between what happened and my dark desires, which i used to love, but now include a lot of triggers, which threaten every play i want to experience.
For me it is a conscious decision now to get over those things whenever those triggers are hit, but it is a battle i only just started to fight. However, i am going to get over it, no matter what…
Don’t feel guilty though, because playing out those fantasies has nothing to do with actual rape. Enjoy those fantasies and also, enjoy if they are ever played out.