I always had fantasies. Day dreaming about everything.
The older I got, the more sexual did my fantasies get. Looking back at them, it is clear to me that I have always liked the idea of BDSM. It excited me, even though I couldn´t really name any of the things I pictured.
A lot of these fantasies changed over the years. Some became more specific, some stopped being exciting. About a few I wrote and some actually got fulfilled.
But there´s one, which has been with me for many years now. I haven talked about it with some of my ex Doms. There were a few attempts to make it come true, but somehow it never worked out.
Either because it the guy was too concentrated on what he wanted than on how I wanted it. Or because my claustrophobia got in the way. Or because there was no good place or time to do it.
The idea aroused me very much, but at the same time I feel very bad for that. I even have trouble writing it down.
What I am talking about is rape play.
I picture being forced, fighting back, being held so tight that I can´t move. Being pushed against the wall, into the bed, wherever. Hearing him whisper threats into my ear. His hand on my mouth.
Having my panties teared off and my shirt ripped open.
I could go on and on, describing what it is that I desire. But at the same time I feel bad for having this thoughts. The idea that is excites me so much makes me wonder what is wrong with me.
How can I fantasies about rape, when rape is a horrible thing?
Why can something so bad and disgusting even be in my thoughts?
Of course one you argue that it´s not the same. Rape play is consensual and safe (I´m not so sure about sane). The moment I say the safeword he stops. Everything can be negotiated beforehand.
But it still is playing out a situation, which I don´t wish on anyone.
So here I am, thinking that maybe I need to play it and get it out of my system. And my next thought is: It´s wrong! Don´t even think that.
So here it is, my dark thought, my darkest fantasy. And I am torn.
See which dark thoughts others have: