This morning I woke up, after sleeping in a bit. What woke me was a message from my Sir. He called me his “model sub” and told me that he dreamt of me. I got out of bed with a huge grin, got myself some coffee and went on with my day.
Later on, I was lying on the couch, basically doing nothing. Surfing through Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr. As I looked at some pictures and wrote a couple of tweets. And without noticing it a little voice appeared in my head. An ugly, hateful voice.

Suddenly there I was, lying on the couch, making myself feel hideous and ugly, not pretty. Even less than average. At the same time I hated myself for feeling this way.
So I was basically hating myself for not being beautiful.

I should mention that I very rarely thought of myself as ugly. When I was a teenager I realised that comparing myself to other girls/women won´t help me.
So I went through all my life not thinking that I am the ugliest girl ever, but knowing that I am no beauty either.
As my thoughts wandered through the years of my life, I began analyzing myself and the people in my life.
Like most teenagers I wasn´t too sure of myself and my body, my looks. So I found a way to show myself that I am pretty, that I do get attention, especially from boys and men.
The slut was born…

Another funny fact is that a lot of the guys I´ve been with never actually make me feel better about myself. Some even made me feel worse. Whether it was thoughts, words, looks, actions. Some did it on purpose, some by accident. But all of them hurt and stung.

I myself was never really into looks. Probably because I thought that a good-looking man wouldn´t even consider going out with me. He wouldn´t even notice me.
Just like I wrote in this post in April this year.

It´s been a long way for me to accept compliments. To simply say thank you and not to wonder why he is saying it. Or even try and deny that whatever I was complimented on isn´t true.

A couple of weeks ago the Captain wrote the following few sentences in a chat to me:“Don’t you think that you have wonderful tits? A beautiful cunt? An inviting asshole? A pretty face? Simply a beautiful body? I have a beautiful sub.” (A translation from what he wrote in German.)

How did I react?
A shiver went through my body, through every part. My arms, my legs, my stomach.
And a tear ran down my face and another one and another one and another one.
And a smile appeared on my face.

Today, as I was doubting myself, I thought about talking to him about it. But besides the fact that I knew he was busy, I also felt like I should deal with it myself and that in a way I was just fishing for compliments. Which I know isn´t true. And I believe he knows not to be true either. In the end I told him what was going through my head and his response was that he would beat this nonsense out of me, until I would say that I am beautiful, in a convincing manner.
On a side note: It was also very hard for me to believe that the Captain was actually interested in me, as he is a very good-looking man. But there´s something in his eyes that makes me feel beautiful when I am with him. Also, I learned not to argue with him on things like that 😉

About a year ago, when I was still in contact with the Gentleman, he gave me a task. To send him a picture of the part of my body I liked the best and the least. To my surprise it was easier to find what I didn´t like. Simply because there wasn´t much to choose from. This is something I should remember.

To all of you who celebrate Christmas, I wish you a happy Christmas, lots of love and warmth and happiness.
To those, like me, who don´t celebrate it, I wish pretty much the same.
But no matter to which group you belong:
Remember you are beautiful. You are gorgeous. And there is someone out there who will see your beauty! Never forget it!

See who else is being naughty:

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5 Comments

  1. I read your tweets earlier, and they made me feel sad that you saw yourself in that way….yet I do the same, go out of my way to find the things I hate most about myself and concentrate on those.
    I never believe I’ll be good enough, so it’s about time I started changing that attitude.

    Take care

    Flip xx

  2. silverdomuk

    You have been on a sometimes painful journey, and seem to have a little way to go yet. But hang in there – we’re all beautiful in different ways.

  3. We are our own harshest critic.

    Be kind to yourself, would you say the things that you say to yourself to someone else? Turn it around and say to yourself what you would say to them – it helps!! 🙂

    Wishing you all the best for 2014.

    ~Mia~ xx

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