Looking out

Eventhough I never published last week’s Wicked Wednesday post, because I never finished it, it still had an impact on me.
It made me think about the past year and the year to come. I remembered that two years ago I wrote about things I wanted to try, experience. Btw, some of them did come true.
As I was searching my blog for that list, I started to read older post. I enjoy doing that from time to time. It shows me how far I’ve come. It shows me also all my typos. And it brings back memories. Good and bad ones.
As I was reading about my past adventures, I started to wonder, how it could be that I only saw the good in the men I’ve been with. I never looked for the bad things. Or I ignored them for way too long. When reading my posts about all these men, one could think that they all seemed perfect to me. Or at least, amazing.
Of course I concentrated on what I liked, what felt good. But I wonder if I could’ve saved myself a lot of pain and tears, if I would’ve tried to be a little bit more realistic. Listening to that little voice inside my head.

Not waiting by the phone for days and be happy about even the smallest bit of conversation.
Not falling for someone very needy and insecure, because he was giving me attention.
Not staying with someone, because I was afraid I wouldn’t find someone new.
Not becoming a “Dom’s” sub, because no one else wanted me at that time.
Not letting myself treat badly. And so on. You get the picture.

I know that I learned from each of those men. I became the person I am today. In the place I am at. They all had influence on me. Good or bad. And I also believe each failure made me stronger.

Yet, here I am. Thinking and wondering why I didn’t see many things coming. And why I chose not to see them in the first place.
I know myself. I know that I am able to take a step back, look at the big picture. Communicate, if something bothers me and do what is necessary when my needs aren’t met. But often, especially when it comes to D/s, I decide not to do that.
One of the reasons might be that at this point I have already opened up to him and breaking up would mean to admit that it was wrong and starting to look for someone new to go through the whole opening up thing.
Maybe it’s something different. I’m not sure.

So I have decided to make myself look for problems and “imperfections” and other things, which I know will upset me, hurt me. Basically, everything that is wrong and screams “Run away, as fast as you can”.

Now I’m lying in my bed and am thinking about my Sir. I have referred to him as the Captain. I am trying very hard to find something.
I know he’s not perfect, but who is?
I don’t like to compare, yet I do. I compare my bad experiences to what he does. And so far, he is doing way better than other men on the past.

Maybe there’s something I haven’t thought of yet, something I haven’t experienced.
Maybe I am too deep inside to allow myself to see it.

And maybe, just maybe, this time I got lucky? Maybe this is my turn of being happy and having one of the good Doms I keep hearing about.
I guess only time will tell. Till then, I’ll simply be happy and savour every moment.