Today, while I was chatting with Sir, a question popped into my head. It was caused by a talk I had last night via DM on Twitter. My friend Melly told me that she and her Master were on the second day of their 7 day trial of 24/7 of total domination. During our talk she mentioned that she doesn´t have a safeword any more. It didn´t seem to be a big thing, as she never used it anyway. But there´s a difference between having one and not using it or not even having that possibility.
I mentioned that I usually am too proud to use it. In my time as a submissive, so far, I remember two moments where I almost used it. And one where I actually did.
The first two were with Principal Allan, a local American Dom. I had told him that I wanted to be beating until I safeword out and/or cry. I did start crying, but I didn´t say my safeword.
A couple of weeks later we wanted to play out a fantasy. He blindfolded me and led me into the cellar, where a mattress was lying. He told me to sit on the mattress and wait for him. After that, he turned around and walked out the door. Locking it behind him. I freak out within a couple of minutes. Until then I had no idea how claustrophobic I was. Luckily I had my mobile with me. I texted him to come down and get me. When he arrived, he noticed that I was not happy at all, took me in his arms and we went upstairs. Again I didn´t use the safeword.
The one time I used it, I was in England. Visiting my first Dom, aka Daddy. He was, and probably still is, very into asses and assfucking. He liked to give me an enema, making myself ready to be fucked. One of those times, right after the enema, he started either finger fucking me or tried fucking me, I can´t really remember. It was extremely painful, as the enema made me dry. I still remember the tears and me crying out “red”.
Besides those couple of times I thought about using my safeword, but I never did. Mostly because I knew that I could take it. But also, because I was too proud. I know it´s not like it, but for a part of me it´s like admitting that I failed. Admitting that I am weak.
So, today I asked Sir:”What happens if I use my safeword?”
Here´s our conversation.
Sir:”Do you have one?”
Lilly:”We already talked about that. Yes, it´s RED. Or don´t you want me to have one.”
Sir:”I know. 🙂 You are free to use it anytime you want. It´s your right as a sub.
If you use it, I will stop and then I will decide whether I will set you free.”
That last sentence came as a shock. I had to sit down. If using my safeword means that I would be set free, what is the point of having one? Hundreds of thoughts rushed through my head. I decided to do the smart thing and talk about it with Sir. I asked him that same question. And his answer was:”Of course. It would mean that I wasn´t able to lead/guide/master you properly.”
Our talk took a different direction for a moment. We talked about that one time I used it before.
But his answer made it clear to me that we have two very different understandings of what a safeword is.
For me it´s a pause. Whatever is some is stopped, talked about and then maybe continued or changed. And it´s always related to pain.
For him it means stop. In any situation.
While we talked the thoughts in my head went up to “How can I be with someone with whom I will always be afraid to use my safeword, because it would lead to going back being unowned?”. But as we talked, things became more clear and I calmed down.
Why do I need a safeword? (And I don´t even want to go into the whole discussion whether the sub is in charge, because of the safeword.)
It makes me feel safe. It gives me the feeling that the pain will stop, if I use it. As the word itself says. It´s a safe word. A word to make me feel safe. I feel safe with him. Always.
Where do we go from here? Sir and I use the same word from two different things. Being the sub and younger and also because the wiser head gives in, I will adjust my understanding to his.
That isn´t that hard for me. As I know that I can talk to him about everything. I trust him. I know, he knows me well, he checks up on me even during punishments. He will push me, but only to a point I am able to go. I can reason with him, tell him my concerns. And if that all doesn´t work, I can beg. Although I will need to work on my begging skills.
Also, as I work on becoming his slave and not being “only” his sub, I guess I will have to get used to the fact that most slaves don´t have safewords. I believe that is where his understanding of safewords come from.
For now, my safeword was changed into “last exit”.