When one door closes…

When one door closes…

A couple of weeks ago, a couple being two, I told Sir that I had to stop being his slave/sub/girl.

It all started about half a year ago. We met on a German D/s site and hit it off right away. I liked what he wrote in his profile, I liked his picture and the way he approached me. I felt like he was talk to me, as a whole person. Not only the sub, like a lot other men do.
We wrote back and forth, exchanged pictures, switched to email and soon started talking on the phone. He seemed pretty perfect. Except for one little detail, which was very important to me. He didn’t live close by. (Remember how that was the reason why I didn’t want to meet the Captain and the same reason why he in the end broke things off.)
I told him that I could be with someone who is far away and whom I never get to see. Actually my profile already said that.
But the fact that I already liked him a lot and that he was about to get a promotion, which would lead him to move closer, made me reconsider and we started a long distance relationship.
I won’t go into details, at least not able this point. Tasks and ideas found their way and I made new experiences.
Then came the day when he told me that we needed to talk. We all know what that means and fear to hear those words.
Things at work changed and the promotion was moved into the future.

I think that this day marked the end of things. I reacted by playing up. Fears, emotions, everything came crashing down on me. And little by little I started to pull back.
I dropped more often than before. I was emotionally feeling very bad, which caused me to also feel physically bad and I had one cold after the other. I wasn’t well.
At some point I realised that I had to end it, because I want able to go on like that. It took me some more time to get to the point where I was able to tell him that.
One day, a Friday, I woke up and I knew that I had to do it and I had to do it today. I felt very bad. Being nervous, but also knowing that I would feel bad and sad after I told him.
I had some errands to run in the morning and as I was driving I had to calm myself down, in order to not cry, but concentrate on the road.

When I told him, he was very understanding. He knew that I wasn’t happy. He knew that I was suffering, and not in a good way. He tried to give me everything he could, but he also knew that it wasn’t enough. There was one important part which I needed. And couldn’t do anything about it.

I had told a friend about my plan to break up, so that she’d come to be with me when in case I needed it.

And then something happened that surprised me. After I told him and we parted (in a very nice manner), I didn’t feel like crying. I wasn’t as sad as I imagined. It felt more like a weight was lift off my shoulders.
Which of course meant that I started feeling bad for not feeling bad…

I liked him a lot and even opened up to him. A but at least. But I think that I started pulling away weeks before I finally broke it off.
Of course I am sad that yet again it didn’t work out. But there was no other way for me.

The other day I came across the idea that he might have been a rebound Dom for me. To get over the Captain. I’m not sure that is correct. It might be true at some point, but every person is some kind of rebound for the person you’ve been with before.

In the end: I made new experiences, I got to know another person, I learned a lot. Mostly about myself.

A few days after we ended things, I logged on the D/s site and started talking to new men.

To be continued...


  1. Pingback: …another door opens | Lillith's Blog

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