Yesterday I got a message on OkCupid. I haven’t been there for a while. There was no need.
Last time I visited the page I tried to delete my profile. But sadly I forgot my password. If you want to delete your profile, you need your password. So I’m stuck. There is the option that they’ll send you the password, apparently. But it doesn’t seem to work for me.
Anyhow, I don’t get many messages there and I don’t really care.
But as I said, yesterday I got one. From a guy who has been sending messages for several months now. Not on a regular basis, but every now and then. I don’t reply.
The message I got yesterday was about him reading my blog and how he thinks that I am developing to be a good writer. And then he asked the following question:
Do you not feel more free without a Dom?
I find that an interesting topic. An interesting question. And I also wonder what other people think about it.
The other day I had a talk with my Sir about freedom, on a very different topic though.
The answer to the question is: No.
I do not feel “more free without a Dom”.
What is freedom anyway?
Most people define freedom as doing whatever they want, whenever they want it. This makes sense. On a simple level.
I don´t care about the consequences of my actions. I don´t care about other people. I simply do what I feel like. There´s noone there to tell me anything different or punish me. I don´t care what happens around me, how my actions affect anything other than me.
Maybe this is freedom. But if everyone acts this way then we can´t live together. If I feel like parking my car in the middle of the street, because it´s right in front of my house, it will take away the freedom of another person. The person who wants to drive through that street.
And if one would be able to do whatever he wants, would that even be freedom?
There is a saying in German, people like to say that it was said by Immanuel Kant, a German philosopher, (but I haven´t found any proof for that). Basically it says that your own freedom ends there where the freedom of another person begins.
Going by that my freedom is not unlimited. But is it still freedom then?
Throughout history, but even now people find ways to limit their freedom. Through religion, laws, social standards, beliefs.
A vegetarian decides not eat meat. Not because he or she wants to suffer and punish him/herself, but because it is right in their belief system. Just an example.
As long as it doesn´t hurt another person, you are free to do it. (Generally speaking.)
Staying with Kant, he even goes further, by saying: May you live your life as if the maxim of your actions were to become universal law.
The interpretation of that last quote is probably worth a separate blog post.
How does all that freedom-talk fit in with the question I have been asked?
I understand why he had that question. When I submit to a Dom I give away my freedom. Or at least part of it. I give over control over myself to another person. I ask for permission for different things. Things which I can perfectly decide on my own.
What to wear, when to cum, how to talk etc.
I see what is troubling and maybe hard to understand. Maybe he can´t understand it, because he can´t experience it. It´s so very much out of his world that it doesn´t make any sense to him. I get that. I am sure I am the same way with some things.
Yet, I want to try to find an answer.
No, I don´t think I am less free with a Dom. For different reasons.
First of all, I choose to submit. It is my free will to do so. And by doing so I am acting out my freedom.
Also, I don´t submit to anyone. It takes a special person.
In “real life”, in my personal and professional life, I am not a submissive person. I can be dominant, I often have to be. And I enjoy it.
(A little anecdote: When I told a friend that I´m into BDSM, her first response was to ask me whether I am the dominant part.)
Most importantly, submitting to my Dom might mean that some of my freedom is taken away, but other aspects of freedom are possible now. I am free to live out a part of me that doesn´t get to be shown a lot. I allow myself to be weak, look for him to protect me, guide me.
The main reason why I belive what I believe is happiness.
If taking away part of my freedom makes me happy and doesn´t hurt anyone then that should be the perfect reason and explanation.