The good in the bad

I have written about sub-dropping before. Twice.

I can see my development from my previous posts. The feeling was explained to me. I was shown that it is something normal.
Yet, I am still trying to understand it.

I get the general idea. It´s the same as going on vacation and coming back. There´s a drop there too. Same is true for many other things.
I´m on an emotional high. Which feels great. But then the normal life comes in and that is ok. But it´s not the high I was feeling before.
I get the theory. It´s very logical.

But when it comes to me, I still have trouble understanding.
I do know that I came a long way. I learned to understand it and accept it. Most of the time.

I now know that it takes me about two days to drop. Why two days? I have no idea. But I guess that´s the way it is.
That was also the reason it took me so long to understand it. If I would´ve dropped right away, it would´ve been easier to see the connection. But after two days it´s harder.

I have also learned that I stop dropping after a while. Meaning, if I feel secure with the man, it goes away. It fades really.

I still have trouble understanding why it happens. I believe there´s a part in me which is afraid that I might lose that person, that he might stop liking me or have never really liked me. I´m not sure. I guess that´s the reason I still think about it so much.

Why am I writing this all?
Well, I have a new Sir. (More or less new.)
After we played for the first time I was prepared. We played on a Friday. On Sunday I was waiting for the drop. But nothing happened.
That was very odd.
Naturally what I did was to obsess about the fact that I wasn´t dropping. Which I soon realised was pretty stupid.
After the next time we met, again, I was doing great.
My conclusion was that I feel secure enough with him already. It seemed like such a lovely idea.

This Tuesday we met again. We had a great time.
We kept on chatting afterwards. As we usually do. Same on Wednesday and Thursday.
On that Thursday we talked about of not so easy subjects. Religion, prejudice, politics, psychology even.
And it seemed to me that whatever I said was wrong, misunderstood, made him angry even. And suddenly, be the end of the day, I understood. I was being very emotional, sensitive.

It all fit the pattern. The way I felt, the timeline, everything. I was dropping.

After I realised that the next question in my head was “Why?”. I didn´t dropped before.
Why now?
What changed?
Did I stop trusting him?

And that was the moment I understood a bit more about me. I didn´t feel that way before, because I wasn´t ready. I didn´t drop after play, because I didn´t allow it or him to affect me.
As usual, I needed time to open up, let him in.

When I told him that I think it shows that I have finally decided to let him in, he answered:”At last.” And I repeated that.

I know that now I will have to deal with (sub-)dropping for an unknown period of time. But I can also see the good in it. It shows me that I care and feel safe enough to open up.