Since I´ve been back in the D/s world, my life became more complicated than before. Not that it wasn´t complicated before, but now it seems I added an extra twist.
The most complicated thing isn´t the dating and the overwhelming number of messages I get, as a woman, on kinky dates sites or the quality of said messages.
What I find most complicated is that I don´t seem to know what I want and at the same time, I know exactly what it is that I want.
This dilemma leads to some questionable decisions, late night chats and way too many ups and downs.
Almost 2 months ago I started this blog again and wrote that I´m back.
After writing that, I have been on several dates and in contact with even more men. Some were, at some point, potential Doms.
There was the guy, who didn´t communicate well.
The other one, who might´ve worked out well, but he wanted different things from life than I.
Also, the one I had great chemistry, until we met in person, and there was nothing on my side.
Of course we don´t want to forget a certain sadist, who was definitely not right for me. (I have a very special theory why I went on that date…)
Oh and the man, who was great with his words, but lived too far away. Yet I was open to give him a chance. But it didn´t really fit, for both of us.
That is only to name a few….
As I was lying awake in bed the other night, I had an interesting thought. I sometimes have the best ideas when I can´t sleep – and sometimes the worst.
All the men I was in contact with, were nice. They kept me occupied and I was able to flirt and maybe even tease. But – with no fault of their own – I wasn´t blown away by any of them. I didn´t have that excited feeling when their hand touched mine for the first time. There was no electricity as I know there can be.
I felt “safe” with them. Not in a way that they would protect me. I felt in control. Of myself, of the situation.
Feeling that way isn’t too hard, if the feelings are only in the head – if that.
I know what I am supposed to feel, to say, to do. Wouldn´t it be easier to let go? Funnily enough I find it so much harder to allow myself to let go and open up.
Obviously I don’t want to let go and become vulnerable with just anyone. That’s not really complicated.
As I said before I don’t know what I what, yet I do. Maybe saying it a bit different is the right way.
I know what I want, but I don’t know whether I actually need it and whether it’s good for me.
And here is where it gets complicated. How do I know that getting what I want is the right thing? How can I know it, whether I can actually have it? Can I get, what I want? When will I know? What do I do till then?
What if I miss what I really NEED while I wait for what I want? Is it fair to everyone else out there to hope for what I want and at the same time see what else is out there?
Till then, I stay myself. As a Twitter friend said years ago: If it were less complicated, it were less you.
XXX
See who else is being complicated:
Sometimes we do seem to make our own lives complicated, don’t we?
Rebel xox
I remember have similar feelings way back before I met Michael. All I can say is stay open to possibilities because they can take by surprise when you are least expecting them
Mollyx
Those are all excellent questions! Tricky ones to answer, too. Good luck 🍀
I think we’ve all been there. Life is complicated–at least, for many of us it is. Take care! Wishing you all the best!