Since I´ve been back in the D/s world, my life became more complicated than before. Not that it wasn´t complicated before, but now it seems I added an extra twist.
The most complicated thing isn´t the dating and the overwhelming number of messages I get, as a woman, on kinky dates sites or the quality of said messages.
What I find most complicated is that I don´t seem to know what I want and at the same time, I know exactly what it is that I want.
This dilemma leads to some questionable decisions, late night chats and way too many ups and downs.
Almost 2 months ago I started this blog again and wrote that I´m back.
After writing that, I have been on several dates and in contact with even more men. Some were, at some point, potential Doms.
There was the guy, who didn´t communicate well.
The other one, who might´ve worked out well, but he wanted different things from life than I.
Also, the one I had great chemistry, until we met in person, and there was nothing on my side.
Of course we don´t want to forget a certain sadist, who was definitely not right for me. (I have a very special theory why I went on that date…)
Oh and the man, who was great with his words, but lived too far away. Yet I was open to give him a chance. But it didn´t really fit, for both of us.
That is only to name a few….
As I was lying awake in bed the other night, I had an interesting thought. I sometimes have the best ideas when I can´t sleep – and sometimes the worst.
All the men I was in contact with, were nice. They kept me occupied and I was able to flirt and maybe even tease. But – with no fault of their own – I wasn´t blown away by any of them. I didn´t have that excited feeling when their hand touched mine for the first time. There was no electricity as I know there can be.
I felt “safe” with them. Not in a way that they would protect me. I felt in control. Of myself, of the situation.
Feeling that way isn’t too hard, if the feelings are only in the head – if that.
I know what I am supposed to feel, to say, to do. Wouldn´t it be easier to let go? Funnily enough I find it so much harder to allow myself to let go and open up.
Obviously I don’t want to let go and become vulnerable with just anyone. That’s not really complicated.
As I said before I don’t know what I what, yet I do. Maybe saying it a bit different is the right way.
I know what I want, but I don’t know whether I actually need it and whether it’s good for me.
And here is where it gets complicated. How do I know that getting what I want is the right thing? How can I know it, whether I can actually have it? Can I get, what I want? When will I know? What do I do till then?
What if I miss what I really NEED while I wait for what I want? Is it fair to everyone else out there to hope for what I want and at the same time see what else is out there?
Till then, I stay myself. As a Twitter friend said years ago: If it were less complicated, it were less you.