A long time ago I saw this picture on Twitter and it spoke to me:
The fear of not being good enough, or simply not being enough, is something that has been with me for a long time.
Not so much in my everyday life. Or at least I was able to get better at it. But all of my dating life and long before my journey into BDSM. I always felt that I was not good enough.
Why? Well if I only knew.
When it comes to the D/s context it has played a factor in almost all my relationships. Who am I kidding? In all of them.
Now that I think about it: Maybe I saw and still see D/s as a way for me to confirm that I am good enough?
Anyhow. Ever since I saw that pic and probably before that as well, it´s been on my mind.
Every time I start getting closer to a potential Dom or we start seeing each other and playing, I questioning myself and wondering whether I am good enough.
Is why I am doing well enough?
Is he satisfied with me?
Should I change X and Y?
What can I do to be good enough?
A few days ago I had an epiphany! I am good enough!
I know, how it sounds. But understanding this was a very, very long journey for me. Often enough I found myself in relationships where I wasn´t enough. And there never was a chance of me ever being enough.
Sometimes it was because I wasn´t what they actually wanted or vice versa.
But often enough I was deliberately made feel that way. It seems to be a way several Doms have to “break” the sub, make her submit and feel small.
It took me a long time and a healthy D/s relationship to see it.
There never can be the question “Am I good enough”!
Of course I am good enough!
No one should be with a person who makes them think that they aren´t good enough. Sure, I make mistakes or don´t do my tasks properly and so on – and for that I get punished. I disappoint and am disciplined. Physically through pain or mentally in the way he talks to me or in any other way. But once the punishment is over, all is well.
But NEVER should I be given the feeling that I´m not good enough – for simply being me.