Oh dear!

I am going to meet him in just a couple of days. I am going to get on a plane, fly to a different country, meet a man for the first and submit to him.

I am going to be his and he will own me. He will see me in a way no one gets to see me in RL. He will touch my heart, my mind, my soul – in places which other people didn’t know existed.

I know I will get close to him and he will get close to me, because it has already started. He’s in my head and I allowed that. He didn’t force his way in there. It was a slow process, step by step. Tiny little steps. And when I realised it, it was too late. He somehow found a way around that amazing wall I have erected.

And once you’re in my head the way to other parts of me isn’t too hard to find.

We started planning my visit over a month ago and it seemed like forever until I would come.

A bit over a month became a month. A month became 25 days. 25 days became 20 days. 20 days became two weeks. Two weeks became 10 days. 10 days became a week. Today it’s less than a week. Four days and a couple of hours.

I think about three days ago I tweeted that I was getting nervous. The good kind of nervous. And that is still true.

Yet.

I’d say I’m pretty good with words, speaking and writing, which is a good thing as it is a big part of what I make money with. But when it comes to describing what and how I feel, I suck.

So I will try to explain what is happening in my head (and I guess my heart as well) right now.

I react in an extremely sensitive way to things which under normal circumstances wouldn’t even bother me.

I would never admit to being jealous…. (so I will just leave that thought here like this). Although there really is no reason for it.

I become extremly insecure.

I get annoyed by everything it seems.

And then I do what I do best. My mind starts working and obsessing. It does this whole thing where it starts thinking bad, bad thoughts. And it’s like a spiral. It begins with something really small, nothing worth mentioning. And then a second thought follows, because it is somehow connected to the first one and it really is only a tiny little bit bigger. And it goes on and on and on.

Somewhere in between I realise and remember how insecure I actually am.

So what follows now is me starting to pull away and me pushing him away.

Why? Because that’s safer.

I am scared.

Not scared that it won’t be as good as it is now. Not scared that eventually I will have to leave again. Not scared that I might be rejected. Not scared that the idea of submitting to him was wrong.

Logically I know that there is no reason whatsoever to have these thoughts and feelings. But being logical is not always doable.

I haven’t felt like that in a very, very long time. And I wondered why that was. There were men in my life this year. All with a D/s connection, more or less. But I didn’t feel the way I fell now.

Why?

I can only explain it as all those relationships weren’t as deep and strong and powerful as this one. With all of them, I was somehow in control. Here I feel how I am giving away that control. And it’s exactly what I wanted, but at the same time, it’s exactly what is so scary, I think.

I giving up control. I am becoming vulnerable. I am opening up. I am not just Lilly anymore – my RL part and Lilly are combined.

I am allowing emotions. And all of that is fucking scary to me.

3 Comments

  1. I can relate to what you’re writing about allowing in emotions. It’s so scary for me to do that too, and more often than not I don’t. I am so familiar with pushing people away too. I feel like I’m not good enough for them so to protect myself against future hurt it is easier to push them away now. It’s terrifying to open up but when you finally are and take that leap the person that allows you to open up must be special. I hope it’s going to go be wonderful for the both of you. Feeling afraid isn’t bad, it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t mean anything more than that

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