I am going to meet him in just a couple of days. I am going to get on a plane, fly to a different country, meet a man for the first and submit to him.
I am going to be his and he will own me. He will see me in a way no one gets to see me in RL. He will touch my heart, my mind, my soul – in places which other people didn’t know existed.
I know I will get close to him and he will get close to me, because it has already started. He’s in my head and I allowed that. He didn’t force his way in there. It was a slow process, step by step. Tiny little steps. And when I realised it, it was too late. He somehow found a way around that amazing wall I have erected.
And once you’re in my head the way to other parts of me isn’t too hard to find.
We started planning my visit over a month ago and it seemed like forever until I would come.
A bit over a month became a month. A month became 25 days. 25 days became 20 days. 20 days became two weeks. Two weeks became 10 days. 10 days became a week. Today it’s less than a week. Four days and a couple of hours.
I think about three days ago I tweeted that I was getting nervous. The good kind of nervous. And that is still true.
I’d say I’m pretty good with words, speaking and writing, which is a good thing as it is a big part of what I make money with. But when it comes to describing what and how I feel, I suck.
So I will try to explain what is happening in my head (and I guess my heart as well) right now.
I react in an extremely sensitive way to things which under normal circumstances wouldn’t even bother me.
I would never admit to being jealous…. (so I will just leave that thought here like this). Although there really is no reason for it.
I become extremly insecure.
I get annoyed by everything it seems.
And then I do what I do best. My mind starts working and obsessing. It does this whole thing where it starts thinking bad, bad thoughts. And it’s like a spiral. It begins with something really small, nothing worth mentioning. And then a second thought follows, because it is somehow connected to the first one and it really is only a tiny little bit bigger. And it goes on and on and on.
Somewhere in between I realise and remember how insecure I actually am.
So what follows now is me starting to pull away and me pushing him away.
Why? Because that’s safer.
I am scared.
Not scared that it won’t be as good as it is now. Not scared that eventually I will have to leave again. Not scared that I might be rejected. Not scared that the idea of submitting to him was wrong.
Logically I know that there is no reason whatsoever to have these thoughts and feelings. But being logical is not always doable.
I haven’t felt like that in a very, very long time. And I wondered why that was. There were men in my life this year. All with a D/s connection, more or less. But I didn’t feel the way I fell now.
I can only explain it as all those relationships weren’t as deep and strong and powerful as this one. With all of them, I was somehow in control. Here I feel how I am giving away that control. And it’s exactly what I wanted, but at the same time, it’s exactly what is so scary, I think.
I giving up control. I am becoming vulnerable. I am opening up. I am not just Lilly anymore – my RL part and Lilly are combined.
I am allowing emotions. And all of that is fucking scary to me.