Attention

There was a sentence I said when I was with Sir last week.

We were lying next to each other, both on our phones, probably on Twitter. I got bored with my timeline, so I put my phone away and cuddled up to him. He was still on his phone and I wanted him to stop. At that moment I said:

“I want attention!”

What did he do? He smiled, put his phone away and gave me exactly what I asked for. His undivided attention.

I was surprised by myself. It’s not something I would normally say. Or something I would’ve said before.

Many years ago I was called an “attention whore”. It wasn’t meant in a negative way. For a long time this was what I used to describe myself. Half joking.

I learned that my need for attention and the attention men in my life were willing or able to give me were not the same. I usually wanted much more attention than I would receive. If I mentioned my need, I was explained that I demanded too much. So I stopped vocalising that need. I would find other ways to ask for attention. By acting out, misbehaving, not following rules. A little bit like a child. This behaviour usually resulted in me being frustrated. Especially when all that had no consequences.

I accepted that what I wanted was nothing that I could get.

Until I met the man folmerly known as the Captain. His need for attention was as big as mine and I was fascinated. Yet, I still felt bad for asking for attention. Silly, I know. But that relationship ended and so did the attention. As we talked again this year, he still gave me a lot of attention. But I soon realised that he only gave me the attention when it suited him. Not me.

When I think about it, I fell back into the same pattern. Craving attention, not getting it, not asking for it, accepting that I can’t have what I want, settling for less – which never ended well.

Well, until I replied to tweet and started talking to this man. Not only does he not mind the attention I give him, he also gives me all the attention I want and need. If RL allows it, of course.

Still, I never actually asked for attention or said that I want it.And then came last week. As simple as it sounds, I opened my mouth and said what I needed at that moment. I was comfortable with it. Because our needs fit.