You know how on Twitter you can write a tweet and then save it to send it later?
So for a while I had the following tweet as a draft.
Here’s something I never thought I’d say:
I want him to take control of everything in my life
When I started learning about D/s more than 12 years ago, I had no idea about anything. I couldn’t name my desires, my dreams, my cravings.
Getting to know other people, even if it was only online helped me so much. For years I’ve been learning from my conversations on Twitter, email exchanges and sometimes even in person.
I went through a lot of D/s relationships. Maybe more than I should’ve had. I like to say that I’ve learned from all of them. But I think I could’ve made with a few less.
Anyway. Here I am.
After I started talking to Michael a couple of months ago, our conversation also touched D/s. In one of those conversations I admitted that the idea of 24/7 scared me. That it was nothing I wanted or could do. Through our talk I realised that my reaction to it probably had more to do with the men I’ve been with than with myself.
Fast forward to a few months later.
Past weekend we had another talk, where we discussed a task, more a rule, I had for the few days leading up to it. The question was whether I’d like to make it a permanent thing or not and I was open about my concerns. So I received a long voice message. Michael was talking about a certain experience he’d had in the past and what he learned from it. And as I was listening to him something became clear to me.
I’ve always loved rules and tasks. Daily tasks. I would often beg the Dom I was with to give me tasks. Often enough they didn’t understand my need for that. For them their dominance and my submission was something related mostly or only to sex, not to any other aspect in our lifes. D/s only had a sexual connection.
I needed D/s for more than just sex, I needed rules and tasks for more than just sex.
They occupy my mind. They allow me to feel submissive in my daily life. They let me have a reason to contact my Dom during a time when he might be busy. (Yes, I know that sounds not too smart.)
As I listened to Michael’s message I understood that I had a craving which I couldn’t name, up until then. A desire I had no name for, because I hardly experienced it in a way which worked for me.
And suddenly that tweet, which had been around in my drafts for a while made sense and was less scary.
Still scary, mind you. But not as much as before.
I want him to control certain aspects in my life. Not all. And I might never get to that point. But for now I know I can trust him and will always find someone in him, who is open to reason and doubt and thoughts.
Thank you Sir!