About a month ago, probably during one of our phone calls, Michael said a sentence, which stuck with me. He said that in the near future there will be a talk about long term and what it means for him and I.
The idea of that talk makes me extremely nervous. Mostly, because I never had a talk like that. Ever.
On Sunday he mentioned the many years we will spend together. He didn’t say “the time to come” or talked about the “time we will be spending together”. No, he used the word years. Did he mean that? I like to think he did.
On Sunday I also started a new task. I’m not sure, I’m can already write openly about it. Although it’s nothing huge, but it is a big part of my daily life. So when I started the task, the only thought in my head was “this is my life now”.
Whenever I would get a task, from whatever Dom I was with at that time, I took it on, but never thought about it as “I will be doing this for the next couple of years”. Most likely because I never thought of any D/s relationship that way. Or maybe I never dared to think it’ll last that long.
By now I have understood that this relationship is very different. It’s not just play, it’s not just something that is fun while it lasts. No, it’s a commitment.
There are feelings involved, which are addressed, talked about. Feelings I am allowed to feel and express – that is new.
There is a future involved. I have no idea what it’s supposed to look like, but we’ve been together only a short time. So I guess, we will see and find out.
And because only looking on the bright side wouldn’t be me, I also see the not so fun part.
Being so deeply involved might result in getting hurt. And I’m not talking only about me. The idea that I could be the one to hurt Michael – by something I do, say, am – bothers, saddens and scares me.
Those are all valid thoughts and feelings to have. But in the end, all I can do is accept what I now have, embrace it, love it.
I’m in for the long run – and besides being really scared, I’m just as excited.
I love you Michael!