A while back Michael started calling me his beloved. Besides all the other names, like slut and whore. It took me a while to get used to it. There’s the whole language thing and it’s not a word I was used to hearing in English. Also, I wasn’t used to nicknames like that in D/s context.
Never fear! I got used to it.
As he kept on using that word, I rembemered an English translation of a verse from the bible.
The picture I used for this post is of that verse, from the book “Song of Solomon” and if you follow Michael’s blog, you might have seen it. The translation is: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine“.
In the past few days there was a lot of thinking going on, on my part. I was in a bit of a not so fun mood on Sunday. This is something that keeps on happening. Obviously it’s not the bad mood that bothers me. What bothers me is the intensity with which these moods hit me and how upset I get. I cannot remember when I felt that way before.
I assume that a couple of things factor into it. Usually it happens when I’m tired, after an event I ran or something like that. Often local life adds to it. I would even go so far and say that it happens about every 4 weeks…
In order to be completely honest, I will have to admit that it might also be that my subconscious is playing a part in it. This D/s relationship is not anything like any other relationship I ever been in. It is very intense.
On the D/s part.
That is already something that plays a huge role with my emotions. The more intense, the bigger the high I can experience, but that means the same when coming down from that high and hitting a low – or just a normal state of mind.
But there´s also more.
Our D/s is paired with love. So powerful, it scares me sometimes.
And at that moment my subconscious decides that…. Well, what really? I´m not sure myself.
Not deserving something that good?
Pushing him away, because clearly he can’t love me that much?
Being so scared of something bad happening that I make something bad happen myself?
So, what happens everytime I act like that?
He’s there and assures me his love, offers support, tries to find a way how to help me.
Then I start feeling bad or sorry or both. (Interestingly enough, I often find myself feeling very submissive as a consequence of all that.)
But those are the moments when I also realise that he’s mine! As weird as I find it. But then again, he’s a strange man.
He’s mine!
It might be not very subby of me. And I can understand that there might be people out there, who’d say that this is not something a sub should say.
Well, to be honest, I don’t care.
I am his and he’s mine!