What Was I Thinking?

A year ago I was sitting at a conference and listening to the participants share their thoughts, opinions. One of the participants was an ex-boyfriend. It has been about 20 years since we dated and back then I was in my teens. So, at the conference, he was saying something and I caught myself with one thought: “What was I thinking?”

Fast forward a year. Same conference, similar participants, different room. Of course the ex-boyfriend is there too. He starts talking and again a thought forms in my head: “What was I thinking?”

But as I said, I was young and foolish. And that relationship didn’t last very long.

One would think that I learn from my mistakes and I’d say I do. But there are more mistakes out there to be made. And I made plenty.

I always say that my experiences are what made me the person I am today. Yet, some things I shouldn’t have done. Because I knew they weren’t right for me as I was doing them.

Because D/s is part of my life, I have also made some poor choices there. And there are three D/s relationships I honestly regret.

The last one was made by me past summer when I spend a week with a sadist. He “only” damaged my body (nothing I didn’t recover from), yet I knew it wasn’t right or good for me going into that encounter.

The one before was also during a summer. But a few years prior. I had been broken up with the Captain and was getting over it. I met a guy online and there it stayed. But the way he made me feel and the things he made me do were not good for me. There were many tears and when I ended things, all I felt was relief.

The first one was almost 10 years ago. He approached me in Twitter after my first Dom and I parted ways. I had been following him for a while and my intuition said “No!” and so did I. But circumstances brought me back to him after a while. It felt good. All the attention he gave me and all the things he wanted to know about me. But it always bugged me that he had other subs. And all the subs who weren’t in his area were a secret. I could never openly reveal whose sub I was. (If you’re thinking about a specific person, yes, it’s him.) I ended it and felt good about it.

I could go into detail on each of those men. But that would give them too much attention.

How did I end up with them? It was the state of mind I was in. The desperation, because all the good ones didn’t want me. The thought that I couldn’t get what I want. That I didn’t deserve what I want. I know it better now and I knew it back then.

But once you’re so deep in that situation, it’s hard to see clearly. I was punishing myself, that is the only explanation I have.

If any of my friends, vanilla or D/s, would tell me about thinking of dating one of those guys, I would work long and hard to keep them from doing that. It’s always easier to give advice than to follow it.

I don’t like to think about them and the relationships I had with them. I honestly regret them.