The other day I saw a retweet. Sadly I didn’t star it and of course was not able to find it again. So all I can do is to paraphrase it.
The original tweet said something like: No self-respecting woman would share her man.
The person who retweeted it responded by writing something like: No self-respecting woman would not share her man.
First let me tell you that as I was searching for that tweet, I found a number of tweets telling me what a self-respecting woman should or shouldn’t do. And with every tweet I read, I got more irritated and upset. According to a lot of those tweets, I’m not a self-respecting woman. And most of you aren’t.
Anyway. Why was I looking for that tweet? Why did it catch my eye?
First of all, I hate generalisations. Just because you think so, doesn’t mean it is true for everyone else. And only because you dislike a certain thing, doesn’t stop it being ok for other people. So, the “no self-respecting woman” part caught my attention right away.
Then there are the last parts of each sentence.
You don’t like to share your man and that is perfectly fine. You might have your reasons and they are valid. You don’t want to, so don’t do it. Don’t even try. You won’t be happy.
You do like to share your man? Well, enjoy! Why not?! If it works for you and everyone involved, have all the fun.
Now, why did those tweets stay with me and made me write a post?
Sharing has been the topic of several conversations in a few of my relationships. Not all of the same nature.
I had men tell me that they don’t want to share me, because that would mean that there’s something they couldn’t give me. And that would mean we can’t be together, because…. well, I’m not sure. But it would be alright, if I shared them. The logic still escapes me.
I’ve been with men who were in a relationship and their wife/girlfriend knew about me and maybe even met me. Sometimes things worked out alright. Most of the time it ended with the men telling me that they were asked not to see me anymore.
And I have written just recently about being one of many. Not always fun.
I have found that I am ok with sharing, if I’m the addition to a relationship.
When Michael and I started communicating more and it became clear where things were going, his relationship situation was different from what it is now. And it didn’t bother me really.
But I will be honest with you. The thought of sharing him now breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. And I am so very surprised by the intensity of these feelings. I can’t remember ever feeling something like that.
In the beginning he would tease me about it. But at some point we both realised that it’s not a joke and the feelings it causes are too painful.
I was upfront about it, when I realised how I was feeling. And yes, maybe am a hypocrite.
I think I could get my mind around him having sex with someone else or spanking another person. (I do think it would be different, if the person was male – not that he is interested.)
For a while now I have been trying to figure out what bothers me. Why is it different? More powerful?
There are different things that play into it. I don’t want to share his time with someone else. My fear of not being enough or good enough certainly is a factor. Also, it wouldn’t be fair, because he doesn’t want to share me. Why should I be ok with it?
I’m not saying that things might not change at some point. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t.
Coming back to those tweets. Both options are fine and sharing or not sharing your man has nothing to do with self-respect.
Self-respect is admitting what you can take and can’t to yourself and communicating it to your partner.