I am determined

I am determined

It finally happened. He said it would happen one day. But somehow I couldn’t imagine it. But the day came earlier than I thought it would. We had a fight. I’m not sure that is even the right word.

He did something that not only upset me. There were so many feelings. I was disappointed. I was upset. I was sad. I was angry. I was hurt. It took me several minutes to calm myself down enough, to actually be able to communicate my feelings and not just snap at him.

I was not prepared. Not prepared for how hard those feelings hit me. It’s not a surprise. The feelings I have towards him are very strong. And the day we had just spent together – even if it was only on the phone – was pretty intense. It left me on a high. We had moved to another step in our relationship.

What didn’t help was him telling me that he was sorry. Of course he was. But how was that helpful? I have no idea what he could’ve done to make it better at the very moment.

So I turned to the one thing that helps me so often. I wrote. “No one types as fast as an angry woman.” I like that. That is how I felt.
I wrote a post. It started as post which might get published, but at the end it turned into a letter to him. I explained why what he did hurt me. Or at least I tried.

It’s interesting. Something that might be just a little thing for us, is so very important to another person. Or the other way around. We can never know those things and we learn them as we move through life together.

So, here I was. In my bed, in tears, hurt and all I wanted to do was to yell at him and push him away as he’d try to hug and hold me.
But I couldn’t do all that. Because we ate miles and kilometres apart.
So I started pushing him away in a different way. I presented him with the fact that I was about to break a rule.
That was the moment he asked whether I wished to continue our D/s. That was the moment I realised we needed to actually talk to each other and not write messages back and forth. So we had a call.

Yes, I stopped following one rule. I also told him that for the time being, I would not address him as Sir or Daddy. It wasn’t about stopping the D/s or our dynamics. The situation we were in had nothing to do with my submission or his dominance. It was about each of us as a whole person. So the D/s had to stand back.
But of course, not wanting to serve someone who hurt my feelings played also a part in it.

That is where we were at that moment. I was hurt and maybe still am.
We had a very long call that night.
And the morning was weird. The routine was different. It was off.

During the call at night or the ones followed next day and all our other communication, one thing stayed clear for me. I want this to work. I am committed to make it work. So I kept telling him that no matter how hurt, upset or whatnot I was, I love him and we would find a way to get past this.

Good things don’t simply happen. And even if they do, one has to put a lot of effort in them to make sure that they stay and become stronger.

I am not willing to give up. I am determined to work hard to make this relationship work.

Read other thoughts on perseverance:

Wicked Wednesday in a rainbow circle


  1. Pingback: Never Underestimate the Power of Denial - Lillith Avir

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