Yesterday I was sitting on the couch, reading. Well, to be perfectly honest, I was holding a book, looking at the words, but my mind had wandered off to some other place.
I was thinking about last week. About the changes at work, with and for our society. But I also thought about my D/s.
Relationships go through changes, with and without viruses out there. Some changes are permanent, some just for the time being. And sometimes there are several changes happening at the same time.
As I was sitting there, thinking, I realised that I haven’t used the word “Sir” as often as I used to. Not while talking, nor while texting. It’s not that I wasn’t feeling it at all. But…
My solution for that problem was to ask for “mean day/s”. Just as I thought that, I knew I wasn’t there yet.
Recently my feelings got hurt and thought it didn’t change what we feel for each other and are working through it, it still hurts.
I didn’t think it did, but it does. I thought about the situation for just one second and realised that the memory needs to be put away.
So here’s what I do. What I have been doing for as long as I can remember.
Whenever I experience something that hurt me or was embarrassing or uncomfortable or simply bad, I force myself to not think about it. I take the experience, the thought, the feeling und put it away. In a drawer. And every now and then I open the drawer and check what the content of the drawer does to me.
If it still hurts or makes me feel anything really, I close the drawer again, as fast as I can, and check on it later – in a few days, weeks, years.
At some point I open a drawer and don’t feel anything. Then I can move on. Sometimes it even feels like whatever happened, happened to a different person. And every now and then memories stay in the drawer so long that they are almost forgotten.
Yes, that is denial. I am very much aware of that. On the one hand it helps me to go on with my life and not obsess about one event, one memory, one feeling.
On the other hand it also allows me to not deal with things which should be dealt with. By putting whatever I experienced away I allow myself to not work through it. And that can lead to repeating mistakes, finding myself in similar situations, and getting hurt or hurting myself the very same way.
It’s two sides to one coin really. And while it shouldn’t be a long term solution, it can help.
Never underestimate the power of denial…