There are many crazy things I do. Some end well and lead to something good, amazing really.
Like when I decided to travel to another country, to not only meet a man, but to spend several days with just him.
And sometimes I do crazy things that could result in something slightly less amazing. Or in something rather bad.
Like last night.
I do that thing where I have something good and I start pushing it away. And I do a really good job. I had a lot of practice over the years.
I am always aware of what I’m doing, as I’m doing it. Maybe not right away, but soon enough.
So what happens?
For reasons unknown to me, I have decided that I do not deserve good things happen to me. Not all good things. But the really good ones. Like Michael.
So, things are going great, we are spending time together. We laugh, love, grow. And every now and then this little voice in my head starts telling me crazy things. “It’s too good to be true.” or “What makes you think you deserve something that good?” or simply “He’s too good for you and should be with someone who’s better (for him).”
Maybe I’m an emotional masochistic, I don’t know. Anyhow. Be very sure that Michael spends a great deal of time assuring me that he only wants me, that I am perfect for him and so on and so on. Usually that calms me and that horrible voice down.
But sometimes I am so deep in those thoughts that it doesn’t work that fast. And then I start pushing him away. Being upset, telling him he’d be better off with someone closer and more available, or like last night blaming him for using the words “maybe” and “if”.
And you know what I am afraid of?
Not so much of him seeing that I’m not good for him or actually meeting someone else. (That too.) But what I’m really scared of, is that one day he’ll simply grow tired of my pushing him away and give up.
All I can hope for is that he’ll hold my heart and never let go. And one day I will stop pushing him away and simply accept that I deserve him and everything that comes with him.