First I need to tell you that I know Michael would never ever use the silent treatment with me. Or with another person for that matter.
I am not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me or feel sorry for myself. Just as many other times, I am writing this to sort the thoughts in my head. And also to realise how lucky I am.
Today I failed at a daily task. I informed him right away and explained why it happened, or did not happen for that matter. I waited for him to react and he went silent. He was online, but hadn’t read my latest response. As I stood there in the kitchen, with my phone in my hand, this creepy, horrible, little voice started whispering.
“He’s disappointed.” – Well, sure he is.
“He’s is being silent on purpose.” – No, he is not. He too has a local life and work and hasn’t even read my answer.
“He saw the answer and chose not to respond, but make you wait.” – He’d never do that.
“What makes you so sure? That’s what Doms do.” – That was the moment I actually told the voice to fuck off.
It’s one thing being so disappointed or angry because of another person and to not want to talk to him or her. But there should always be enough respect to at least inform the other person that you need a moment to yourself.
Going completely silent from one moment to the next, without any communication, is something very different.
I have experienced the silent treatment.
I have been in D/s relationships where the Dom would not talk to me when I made a mistake. I would sit there and wait. Waiting for him to calm down, to come back to me, to decide that I am worthy to be spoken to again. Patience is a virtue, they say.
It took me a while to actually see this behaviour for what it really is. Emotional abuse.
Like with many other things, silent treatment can be wonderfully masked within “D/s” – or what some people would like to pass as D/s. Especially with new subs. I remember adding the silent treatment to my list of limits, until I understood that it should not even be a thing at all.
I have grown, I have learned, I have made more pleasent and better experiences. And yet, like with a lot of other bad experiences, you never truly forget them. And that is good, that is how you recognise patters and make sure you’re safe.
But it also allows that ugly feeling to come and haunt me. Make me question me, him, us.
Today showed me though that I have no problem telling that miserable voice to fuck off.