Some of you probably seen Michael ask the following question on Twitter:
That tweet was a result of a conversation we had earlier that day. We had been trying to figure out whether we’d watch something together that evening. In LDR terms it means that we either share the screen or watch the same movie at the same time. He was explaining to me that he needs to know which movie, so he could make sure to have that movie. I listened to him and said: “I understand.”
What follow was him repeating my words. But in a way that is well-known to submissives near and far. He was giving me a chance to add a “Sir” to it. Which resulted in me simply repeating exactly what I said, without any extra words.
That started a discussion. I understand that he was expecting me to say “Sir” and I didn’t feel that it fit at that moment.
There are several things that factor into my thoughts.
This is my first D/s relationship that is more than just D/s. I guess you could say that with my first Dom and with the Captain it had some other aspects, but all the other ones, definitely only and strictly D/s – if that. None of my Doms was ever my boyfriend.
I find it very hard to where the line between relationship related things and D/s related things. No, actually I see the line quite fine. What I seem to have a problem understanding is when it’s “just” relationship related and when it has a D/s element.
When does he get to decide something in our daily lives because he’s the Dom? When do I use my safeword, because I don’t do something mundane?
Michael likes to say that he is always a dominant, but he doesn’t dom everyone around him. And I find that perfectly acceptable. I, on the other hand, am not always submissive. I really like to tell the story of me opening up to a friend and telling her that I was into D/s and her response was: “You’re the dominant part, aren’t you?” I couldn’t be always submissive that would make me extremely unhappy and wouldn’t be me.
Of course, with the right person I get to experience this part of me. But even with him around (phone, chat, in person) I am not acting or feeling submissive all the time.
When do I call him Sir? When I’m in a playful mood, I call him Daddy. When I’m in a particular submissive mood, I call him Sir. Then there “my love” or Michael or “silly/perverted old man”. But there are moments which I would describe as D/s and when I feel so close to him and then I call him Sir, and suddenly it creates a distance between us. I’m not a big fan of that.
Another thing that I’m struggling with is moment when we fight or I am upset (with him). I can’t be yelling at him and then stop and ask: “May I use the bathroom Sir?” That simply doesn’t work for me. Does that place our D/s on hold? And if it does, then we aren’t D/s 24/7, are we?
Then there are moments when he feels its appropriate or needed, whereas I don’t. I’m not talking about times where I know I should say it, but don’t because I’m being bratty or testy. Or situations where its simply forgotten in the heat of the moment. I try to trust my gut. But it seems, his opinion and my gut aren’t in agreement.
So, understanding how it works, for me, for him, for us, is a work in progress.
Thank you for hanging on with my ramblings and attempts to put my thoughts into sentences and ideas, which maybe make sense.