I believe that even in an ongoing relationship there can be beginnings.

I recently had written about our latest Mean Day. It wasn’t something new, yet with a very surprising result.

The day after Mean Day ended, I went about my day, as usual. Work and stuff. At some point, towards the evening, I realised that Michael was kind of quiet. So I did what was the only right thing to do and checked whether everything was alright. I asked if he and us were alright. And he seemed surprised by my question.

Within a few minutes I said a sentence that I hate saying. “It might be me.” in the past I would’ve meant that I was being the problem here, not him. It wasn’t that I was a problem or anything, but it was me, who was having that feeling.

It took only a few minutes for me to realise what was happening, but I knew the feeling. And dear Lord, how I hate that feeling. I’d give a lot for not ever having to feel it again.

I was dropping.

Every since I became active again, I had a few drops. And they came in handy to see how the man I was dating was reacting to it. But with Michael, I hadn’t experienced it. We had done very intense moments and days. We even met in person. And yet, I never felt like I was experiencing any kind of sub-drop.

In the past, I remember, that it would hit me two days after an intense play moment or meeting and would last for a day – if taken care of properly. It was new now.It hit me within 24 hours.I wasn’t expecting it at all, and not that fast.

We dealt with it. He was wonderful. I, on the other hand, was a mess. I hate dealing with dropping. Like, very passionately. And I don’t know wgmhat I need or want.

I akways envied those women who knew exactly what they need. A blanket, chocolate, and so on.

I need reassurance and affection and focus on me and attention and love.

Here I am, more than a week later and I’m still surprised. I still cannot believe I dropped after a Mean Day and not after being with him. This is new for me. Maybe it is the beginning of a new chapter in our relationship.

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One Comment

  1. I am one of those women who knows exactly what she needs, sickening I know but its the result of years of depression and PTSD. The care isn’t too dissimilar for me. But when drop hits me now it is a surprise, I’m just lucky to have my tool kit handover than my playbag.
    I love the way you approached it, and that he was everything you needed. N x

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