Most of the time it’s not even on my mind. Maybe it is, but I’m not thinking about it all the time. Yes, I am aware that the world is different right now, yet there are moments I totally forget about it.
I get up, I go to work, I go back home. Yes, some of my work changed. Grocery shopping definitely changed. Less people, masks, shortage in fresh yeast. Home and life changed. I don’t have hours to myself at home, I don’t have appointments in the evening, I don’t have friends over for dinner. But somehow I got used to all of that. Not knowing what next week will be.
And then there are moments when the situation is more aware, and the more I think about it, the more surreal it seems. I mean, how can this be real? It must be a movie or a dream. It’s too weird to be true.
The other day I was asked to plan my vacation days for the year. I understand why that needs to happen, but planning ahead isn’t wlalways easy, and especially not during this time. So, I took vacation days. A couple here, a couple there. Not knowing whether anyone would be able to travel at that particular time. What if I miss the window, because I took a week off too early or too late? Well, I don’t have to explain to anyone how much this all sucks.
Remember when I was back last year and I started talking to men and looking for a Dom? And besides the questionable choices I made last summer, I knew what I wanted and what I was looking for. And even better, I knew what I didn’t want.
Remember how I would tell men, who lived 80 kilometres away that they are too far away for me. I was determined to find someone local. Not too close, but also not too far to travel too. And we all know how well that worked out.
But you know what? In a situation like now, it wouldn’t have mattered if he was living much closer. Sure we might be able to see each other, but with distancing and no touching.
As I was lying in bed, reading stuff other people wrote, I realised that I have started to see a silver lining. There is no way for us to plan the next time we’re together, so we have to concentrate on the here and now and the other aspect of our relationship.
I don’t know when I will see him again. And even if I could travel for all the vacation I took, I’m not sure I’d be able to spend all that time with him. I simply have no power over any of those things and yet I am calm. What if Germany is a safe place to travel to and from, but the UK isn’t? Not much either of us can do.
Of course I want to see him, feel him, smell him. And there are moments when that longing is overwhelming and I have a little melt down on Twitter.
But I am calm, because we are making it work. We talk, we listen, we grow.
I am happy, because we use the time not to bypass till we see each other again and can be D/s together, but to combine D/s and our daily, local lives.
And that shows me that I made the right choice, in submitting to that man many, many kilometers away.