I was browsing my drafts to gather my thoughts. There are some posts I want to finish. But I wasn’t getting anywhere with what I had written in the past few days. Instead of obsessing, I decided to simply wait and check out my older drafts. That is when I came across the following draft, from the end of 2013. I read it and I knew I had to publish it with my thoughts of today.

Years ago, when I was still only chatting with my exDaddyDom and we started talking about meeting, he pointed out that we should not have too high expectation. Although we got along great when chatting and talking, who knew what would happen when we saw each other in person.
We met finally and the rest is history.

The point is that it is true. We always have expectations. With some people more, less with others. 
I have always been a day dreamer. Dreaming about something amazing happening. And although I knew it was just a dream, I was a bit disappointed when it didn’t happen.

Since then a lot of years have past. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons.
I now know better.
Of course I catch myself day dreaming how great something could work out. But a part of me knows that it probably won’t be that way.

Of course I have hopes and dreams. But I have no expectations. Just because someone tells me he/she’ll do something, doesn’t mean it will actually happen.
Just because someone acts differently, it doesn’t mean he changed or is different than others.
You could say, I became more realistic.

To say that I have no expectations at all would be wrong. I still have them. But I have expectations that something bad will happen. This way I am prepared for it and knew that it was coming.

And if I catch myself trying

Here the post ends.

Yes, that was me. And still is me in many ways. With some people I have no expectations. They offer their help and I take them up on it, yet I also plan on not receiving that help. But that is not the part that inspired me to actually, use that old draft.

I never thought I’d allow myself, to very consciously have those day dreams. Not have them and not admit it. Not just losing myself in them, while not sharing them. No, I have those daydreams and I’m not alone. We share those dreams, fantasies, what-ifs.

I’m not going to lie to you. It’s fucking scary to allow myself to be that person again. To be vulnerable, to be dreamy, to have expectations. But being that person again allows me to connect to myself in a much better, deeper way. To my hopes, to my love, to my submission.

It allows me to be happy.

One comment

  1. I can feel you. I allow myself to have a crush on someone I will never ever meet just so I can daydream without being disappointed later. It is a pure fantasy. It’s a balancing act in real life though. Dream become expectations so fast.

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