Every morning, when I wake up, I take my phone and write a few sentences. It always starts with “good morning Sir”. The words that follow are an affirmation of my submission. The words might change or be adjusted or more words get added, but the meaning always stays the same.
I like starting my day that way. It is somewhat of a ritual and I know it makes him smile.
Today I woke up, took my phone, listened to his good morning message, which he always leaves for me before going to bed. And then it was my turn to say good morning and write my affirmations. Yet, I stared at my phone and wondered what to do.
Last night my mood somehow changed. The day was nice and I couldn’t wait to get back to my phone and talk to Michael. I was afk (away from keyboard) – like back in the Middle Ages before smartphones and WiFi. So there I was, telling him I missed him and suddenly I got really annoyed and bitchy and simply horrible. I was trying to figure out why and what might’ve happened. But nothing in my local life, my online life or especially my Michael-Life (yes, I just made that word up and I love it) happened that might explain it.
I even had to ask him to stop talking about his dreams of One Day. That day when we won’t be in a LDR, but will wake up next to each other every single day.
Was it the frustration that One Day seems so far away and sometimes unreal? Was it the understanding that I have no idea at all when we will get to be together again? Honestly, I have my doubts it’ll be in 2020. Was it something he said or shared with me? Did I take something the wrong way?
It might’ve been none of the above or all of it. All I could say was that I was sorry and Michael, being the person he is, was understanding and loving and wonderful.
I know he was hurt. It’s little things that show it, like that there was the “my” missing on front of my name, when he wished me a good morning. And believe me I don’t blame him. I would’ve been hurt as well.
So, here I was this morning. Lying in my bed and figuring out what to do. I wasn’t feeling much connection with my submission. How could I write that my submission makes me complete or anything?
But on the other hand, I wasn’t mad or angry with him. He doesn’t stop being my Sir, just because I feel kind of disconnected. Adjusting the affirmation and using Michael instead of Sir, but then go on talking about my submission, seemed silly. Not writing anything seemed like too big of a statement.
What did I do? I wrote my sentences just like every other day. Not writing them felt more wrong than writing them. And as I was typing, I wondered what would happen, if I felt like that One Day? Will I be expected to say my affirmations every morning as I wake up? What if I wasn’t feeling like it? (And I know now I don’t want to do the same thing every morning.)
With all the thoughts that follow and topics I get back to again and again, trying to understand how things work and how things work for him, for me for us, there’s one aspect that calms me down and gives me strength and shows me how healthy my Michael-Life is.
There is nothing that is forbidden. It’s not forbidden to be grumpy or angry or upset. It’s not forbidden to question and be uncomfortable with anything. It’s not forbidden to change and adjust. It’s not forbidden to be silly and madly in love.