I have written before that I don’t like to NOT be in control. I know how weird it sounds when someone who is a submissive says that. But in everyday life I need to be in control. To make sure that things go the way they should or the way I want them to go. Which obviously is the same.

Since the world went into lock-down things are different. I had a very hard time adjusting. And I know I am not the only one.
Life ist very different. Kids are home. By now they go to school every other week. Still, they are home when I leave for work and they are home before I return.
Not being by myself for just a bit is very hard for me.

On the other hand I know that I am better off than so many other people. I got to get out every day and go to work. I have a secure job and had pletty to do and will have enough to do and work on in the months to come.
But life is different. It’s not the same as it used to. My interactions with people are limited.

To be honest though, I think I can also take some positive things for me out of this situation.
I am more in contact with people who don’t live around the corner. And even with those, it is more intense. As when we meet, it isn’t in a group with others, but one-on-one.

I have met new people online and became closer to them than I probably would’ve. I had the time to start a new project and for sure I will continue with it, if it is slightly sucessful.

Being in a LDR is not easy. Ours isn’t uncomplicated, but it is what it is. I had no idea what it would bring before Corona. Now I don’t even know what next month will bring. I want to see him again. I need to see him again. Will that happen in 2020?
To be honest, I doubt it.
We have planned and talked. But is it realistic? And even if it is, is it wise?
Is it a good idea to travel? Is it safe for me to meet him, coming from the UK? Is it wise for him to see me? Who know what I might carry? What about the people we go back to? Will either of us be responsible for what might happen afterwards?

With all those questions and thoughts, the LDR we had before doesn’t seem too bad. Sure it wasn’t easy, but it was Corona-free. What I would give to go back to that.
On the other hand we got to see each other. We met in December and March. And I am so glad we did.
That tought me something. I now know that it’s not good to wait. It’s important to make things happen, to use the opportunities we have, to enjoy every moment.

Do I dare to dream of “One Day”?
I dare, but I don’t dream about it. It just doesn’t come to mind. I try my best to live in the here and now and take each day and each week as it comes. There’s nothing else I can do. I find it hard to plan something, when it’s clear that no one knows when it might happen. The not knowing part is what makes it so hard for me.
But deep down I know that it’ll will be over. We will see each other again. We will be together again.
If it’s July 2020, I am happy. If it’s July 2021 I am happy as well. The day will come.

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3 Comments

  1. I can relate to so much of this but I am finding it increasingly hard to be positive about it and whilst I hold onto, one day, it sometimes feels so fucking remote that it hurts

    Molly

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