We had some tearful conversations, moments, chats in the past few months. Well, actually only I had the tearful moments. He was there, comforting me, feeling sorry that I was crying, trying to understand what was happening in my head.
I would’ve explained, if I could’ve. If I could’ve explain and understand myself. I couldn’t put in into words. And this post, well, we shall see how well I will do.
I have written on that topic before. Several times, I’m sure.
I love orgasms. And why shouldn’t I? They make me feel good. I remember the first time I had an orgasm. It was the most amazing feeling. And I was pretty young. I would have an orgasm very now and then. I was very curious about sex and bodies and my body at a younger age than a lot of my friends.
As I became sexually active, I enjoyed sex and all the other things, but I never had an orgasm during sex. That’s what you get for teenage sex. Teenage boys usually have no idea how to do what.
Before I go on and bore you with the history of my orgasms, let’s fast forward.
Today I am a woman in her mid-30s, who has a problematic relationship with orgasms.
I don’t have orgasms through penetration. Yes, I know, a lot of women do neither, but somehow that isn’t comforting at all.
It takes me forever to have an orgasm. Especially when only using my fingers. And by forever, I mean more than 5 minutes. As an average, I guess. I need to take my time or the man I am with has to put in a lot of time. That makes me feel bad.
I have much faster and more successful orgasms with the help of vibrators. And often enough I feel like I’m lying when I use a vibrator when we are on the phone and I am told to cum or asked whether I’d want to have an orgasm.
I need to fully concentrate on my orgasm. That’s the reason the position 69 never appealed to me. Reacting on what is happening with the other person or reacting on what he’s saying takes away my concentration on myself.
And the list goes on and on and on.
Somehow we are told that a woman has to have orgasms just through penetration. And we can have orgasms when we want and don’t need to put in a lot of work. I am sure that is true for many women. So besides envying them, I am also very happy for them.
I have a troubled relationship with my orgasms. And I think that D/s has not necessarily helped with it. Yes, I have learned a lot about myself, my body, my needs and wants, my head and the way I think through D/s. But it has only partly helped with me understanding my orgasms. And in some instances I think it even did more damage than good.
I have a huge problem with being a failure, or at least making myself feel like I am. So, when I am told to cum, I try my best to do that. But when I fail, because that’s how things sometimes are, I can become very unhappy. In addition, knowing that I might fail puts on extra pressure.
Being told that I have a certain amount of time to cum, adds to that pressure and my head can start to concentrate on it so much that an orgasm is just not possible.
As well as I normally work under pressure, it is not always helpful when it come to orgasms.
- “You have 5 minutes to cum.”
- “I will spank you, while you play with yourself and cum.”
- “I will teach you to cum when you taste my cum in your mouth.”
- “You are only allowed to swallow, once you had an orgasm.”
As exciting as all of that sounds, it gets to me. I start panicking, because I am sure I won’t be able to do that. That leads to me putting extra pressure on myself and failing and feeling like a failure and disappointment.
And here’s another secret, in the past it has also led to fake orgasms. And that I hate. It’s not helpful, it’s not fair to myself, it’s also not fair to my partner.
And because all of that isn’t complicated enough, I really enjoy orgasm control. I love the idea of handing over that power. It’s fun asking for orgasms. I enjoy saying “thank you Sir” when an orgasm is granted. I enjoy when I get a day where I don’t have to ask and can have orgasms on and on. It’s like cheat day during a diet.
So when Michael suggested to pause orgasm control for a while, I very clearly stated that I didn’t want to do that.
Where do I go from here? Where do we go from here? I believe there has to be a lot of communication and talking as we move forward.
I have to start being kinder to myself. It’s not my nor my body’s fault that my body can’t do things I want it to do. I also don’t get upset because I can’t sing or am only 1.60 m (5″3).
I need to concentrate on what is possible and find out more what maybe I didn’t know about myself.
Accepting myself and being kinder to myself. Sounds easy enough. If it wasn’t so damn hard.