A few days ago I was asked two questions, by two different people, almost simultaneously.
One was Michael, asking via WhatsApp: “Have you ever doodled a boys name in a notebook my love?“
A few seconds later a message by ServiceSlut popped into my DMs: “I’ve been having a debate with Michael. It started with me telling him that you’d probably write his name all over the front of your notebook with hearts all over it.” (That is the redacted version.)
Michael thought that it’s very unlikely for me to do that, ServiceSlut for sure I was doodling away all day. Now, Michael wasn’t wrong. I haven’t doodled a boy’s name, or man’s name for that matter, anywhere in forever. It doesn’t seem like something that I would do.
I have written often enough about how I used to day dream and hope. Just like I doodled the boy’s name.
Why did I stop?
I guess, because it seems like something you do as a teenager. But I think I continued doodling in my head. Dreaming about the man I was with or interested in. And even that got less over time. But every now and then I caught myself fantasising.
There is another reason I stopped. I grew up and learned that love can hurt and that even little things like doodling his name and hearts, can make me vulnerable. So I wouldn’t allow myself to do anything like that. But in order to open up, one has to be vulnerable. I realised that if I wanted to trust again, I had to push myself.
Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.Cherise Sinclair
Now, sometimes I find myself on that edge. It’s scary, there is fear. But on the other hand, I know that this way I am building trust.
I even allowed myself some real doodle, as you can see in the pic above. It’s not the same as it was back as a teenager. I was thinking too much and not just doodling, while my mind was somewhere else. So maybe I will repeat that again. One day.