I have written about safewords several times. Some post are only touching that subject, others talk about my thoughts at that time. I went back and read them. And after that I can say, with certainty:
Boy, were there some changes!
I accept it, if the sub wants a safeword. But a good sub knows that she/he shall not use it.
Now, as a newbie I was lucky enough, to meet someone who introduced me to the traffic light system. Before that I had interactions with other doms and “doms” online. And yes, some of them held the same as the person, who inspired this NoTrueWay. Or had the opinion of no safeword at all.
Now, every dynamic is different. So correct me, if I’m wrong, but even in healthy “no safewords” dynamics, it doesn’t start out that way, right away. You have to get to the point where it’s not needed anymore and both feel safe with it.
I have been in different D/s relationships. As I said, I started with the traffic light system and I always liked it. I like the pause option and it’s not likely I forget the word “red” (as it’s my favourite colour).
I have also had other words as safewords. Althought I cannot remember them right now. But all in all I didn’t safeword very often in my life. Until I met Michael. I have used my safeword with him more than I have used it in all past relationships combined. But I will come to that in a bit.
Two past relationships stand out. One was with the Captain and another the Sadist of Summer ’19.
At some point the Captain and I established that I had a safeword, but if I used it, he felt like he had failed as my Dom and in that case we’d need to rethink our arrangement. Now, as I said, every dynamic is different. Looking back at that more than 5 years later, I still know and feel that he and I had a connection where a safeword would not have been needed. There was constant checking in on me, talking a lot before and after play. He read me like an open book and I felt completely safe. To be fair, at no point did he tell me that a “true” sub was not to have or use a safeword.
The Sadist of Summer ’19 was a different story. I still have no idea what I was thinking. I guess, I was horny, lonely, and it was way too hot that summer for me to think clearly. We had met and played a few times when the subject of safewords came up. (Yes, I know that it’s something that should be discussed before anything happens. Again, I have no idea what I was thinking within those 2 weeks.) So when the topic came up, he said that a slave doesn’t have a safeword and so on and on. I don’t remember and I really don’t what to go back to that chat and read it again, but I’m pretty sure that that was the moment I realised I needed to get out of there as soon as possible.
We had talked about a safeword long before we met. We talked about a lot of things long before we met, because we live in different countries. He was very clear that he needed me to have a safeword and I liked that. I chose a safeword that means something to us and didn’t go with my traffic light system. We also talked about our feelings about safewords. How using it, when I know, I can take some more, makes me feel like a failure. And how I had rarely used it at all.
As I said before, with him, although we have only spend a few days together, I have used my safeword over and over again. He teaches me to use my safeword when it is right and needed and that it is nothing to fear.
- Using my safeword should be something normal
- To make me comfortable saying it
- Learn more about me, my pain tolerance and limits (limits are always respected)
- Have me learn more about myself
- Make sure we are both on the safe side
Now, I once even used my safeword when we were not together. We were on the phone or chatting and I used it and it felt weird. But I think that is a subject to another post.
In a healthy, good and trusting relationship any dymanic can work, if both are happy with it. One might have a safeword and never have to use it, because the dominant part knows how far to go. For some, no safeword works and that is fine too.
For me, I am still learning that using my safeword, especially in moments when I know I should, but on the other hand could take more, is right. But I know that me saying my safeword is always respected. I also know that using my safeword is not to only keep me safe, but also to keep him safe.