Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.Brene Brown
For some reason I am afraid to say what I want. I find it fascinating myself. I have an opinion on things and am not afraid to say it. I mean, I might adjust the way I say something, but I will most likely stand to my position and my thoughts.
However, when it comes to some things, it’s different. Sex, emotions and asking for help. And I have no idea what the root of it is. Maybe it’s still about me being shy as a young child and teenager.
Interestingly enough, I wasn’t shy about flirting and doing all kinds of bad things with boys and then men. But I can’t remember myself looking into his (the boy/man at that time) and tell him what I want or like.
It took me a long time to even do things like reposition a man’s hand so that he would not be rubbing just any part of me, but my clit and enjoy it.
Writing was much more helpful. Texting that I want him to do all kinds of bad things to me or the things I want to do to him, is much easier. Even easier is Twitter or my blog. This way it’s not directed at him specifically, even though we both know it.
Maybe it’s the social idea of women not talking about sex. I don’t know.
Same is true with emotions. I have gotten better there, but saying how I feel, is not easy for me. Here I often find it troublesome to find the right words. Sometimes I’m simply so overwhelmed by feelings and emotions that I don’t know how to deal, react or which words to use.
Emotions are hard.
And, as stated before, I have huge trouble asking for help. Mostly because I don’t need it. I mean, why should I ask for help, when I can also do it myself. I’m much better at delegating and telling others what to do. Here I have no problem at all.
But asking for help, is just not something I do. I was just talking about that with a friend and she said: “Yes, I know. That’s why my husband and I have the understanding that whenever you actually do ask for help, it has to be serious and we will do whatever we can to help.” I was very overwhelmed by that statement.
Why is all of it so hard?
I assume that it has to do with the fear of scaring the other person away. Even when I know I won’t. But it is also connected to opening up and being vulnerable.
I’m sure that being dependent plays a big part in it.
We have been working on it and will do some more.
But I have understood that I need to be brave. I need to face the scary things. The ones that seem dark and once I do, I will learn and find a new power.