Losing Control

Losing Control

“I want you to think of one thing for Mean Day my little slut.”

That wasn’t hard for me. Yet, I gave it some thought, before telling him what I knew I wanted: “I want you to be in control of as many things as possible on that day Sir.”

In our dynamic and relationship there are certain things he has control over. Some were requests by him – like orgasm control. Some were the result of our time together, a specific moment or our curiosity – like this one. And others are a request by me – as asking permission to meet my friends.

All of these and all the others are talked about and evaluated on a more or less regular basis. Does it still work for either of us? Do we both derive pleasure from it? Are we comfortable with how it is or does it need adjustment?

Sometimes just the conditions are modified. Every now and then we change it only for a certain time and go back to the way it was before, after a while. If I’d be unhappy, not enjoying it or simply would want it to stop, it would immediately. Same is true, if he’s unhappy or uncomfortable.

As much as the idea of giving up control of certain things excites me, it is also extremely scary. I know I couldn’t give up all control. As arousing as it might sound and read in stories and other people’s relationships. I know that having him make all decisions for me would only lead to me rebelling after a while, pushing away and ending the relationship. It’s not me. No matter how much I trust and love my partner, I’d never would give up control of daily little things, as well as big things.

Just the idea scares me, makes me panic, and leaves me with a feel of unease.

Why did I request, what I requested?

Because Mean Day is a safe space. It allows us to push limits and boundaries. We get to try out and experience things, we wouldn’t on a normal day in our relationship. Even with the dynamics of d/s. Knowing that I would lose control for a limited time – up to 24 hours – made it less scary.

Like all Mean Days, I was informed about certain rules some time before the day actually started. Same was true before the latest Mean Day. This time I was also presented with a schedule for that day.

I knew he was planning something like that, as I was asked about my plans for that day and ALL the things I’d want and need to do. With a specific time for each activity.

It started with a specific time to get up, have coffee, leave the house for work etc. Michael asked me to look at the schedule and check whether anything was missing – like taking a shower. And if things and times needed adjustment or changes.

Without going into details, as that would go beyond the scope of one single post, I can tell you that it was a very intense Mean Day.

It was so intense that in the evening I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor, sobbing and saying: “Can we please stop Mean Day?” Which happened right away, of course.

It was intense, because that is how these days are. For both of us. As I said, pushing limits and boundaries. Even in a safe space it can get very emotional.

Now that I had some time to process, I think I understand more what played a role in my ending Mean Day a few hours early.

I explained to Michael the two things which made it specifically hard. First, and I think that has also previously been a problem for me without me realising it, I need to have a bit of “normal” time between the end of Mean Day and being send to bed. I need that time for aftercare.

Another point was that throughout the day, there was a distance between us. Not the physical distance of him being in the UK and me in Germany, but emotional. It was colder and there was less communication. Most was me confirming that I did my tasks. I didn’t know how to reach out to him and he didn’t initiate a normal chat either. Up until we were actually talking to each other on the phone. That is when I realised the distance and cold that has be there all day. Because suddenly it was so very much different.

Another aspect I only realised as I was writing this post. After he left for the UK, I didn’t drop. I mean, I turned the music on very loud as I drove from the airport, but I didn’t drop in the way I usually do. I thought it was because I was experiencing a drop the day before he left, but I think I simply had no time to drop and didn’t allow myself to drop. And with Mean Day it all came up and I had my drop.

We talked that evening. We talked more about that Mean Day within the days that followed. He established that those days won’t end in me going to sleep, but before that.

I know, Michael is toying with the idea of having Mean Hours instead of a Mean Day. I disagree. It does take more than a few hours to build up these days and the feelings involved. And I love the intensity of those days. But I understand that he is looking out for me and my emotional wellbeing. We will revisit that idea.

As for the idea of me losing control…. It wasn’t that scary. To be perfectly honest, I would’ve had some more areas for him to control. I know I was hoping he’d chose what I would wear and what I would eat that day.

Would I want him to make those decisions for me every day? Hell no! And he wouldn’t want that to. But once in a while, it’s arousing and exciting and scary – in a good way.

One final thought. Of course there’s a difference between losing control and give it up. But in days like that the line between those two things can be very thin.

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