I started this post in April and I kept coming back to it and working on it. Yet, I never found a way to finish it. So, maybe now I’ll get lucky.
Have you read his post?
In this post Michael writes about my letters. Letters I’ve sent, because I knew I’d be away a couple of days. I knew I wouldn’t be able to communicate much, if at all. I felt that I needed to make it up to him. Not that he ever gave me that feeling, but I wanted to.
I know he’s shaking his head at my thoughts and tweeting things like “Some people are worth waiting for” and reassuring me. Yet, I feel that urge. I need to show him that waiting for me is worth it. I need to be sure that he does not feel neglected or secondary to all the other things going on in my life.
I am a busy bee. I work three jobs, I do voluntary work, I plan on taking on more voluntary work, I run little projects, I have my mini-me, and many many more things going on in my life. I am busy.
When I paused my d/s life a few years back, I did that for some good reasons. Mainly because I needed the distance and work through some things. But I think, on some level I always missed it. I wasn’t whole. So I found myself things to occupy me and my brain. It turns out, I really liked those things.
When I realised that I needed d/s to be part of my life last year, I knew, I didn’t want to stop any of those other things. That made looking for a dominant harder than it would’ve been under normal circumstances.
I was older and wiser than before and I knew exactly what I wanted. Not that it kept me from making sone major mistakes, but I still had that idea in my head. I knew what I wanted and what I definitely didn’t want. And then as we all know, life happened.
Today, I am as busy as ever, with all the things I described and more. I was very open about it from the beginning. I mean, why start something when the other person can’t handle it. And believe me, I tried making him see that I’m not right for him. Starting with the distance and many more very valid reasons. I kept wait for the moment he’d say: “I really like you, but that is too much for me.” And I would understood. It would’ve hurt, but I would’ve understood.
That moment never came. I try not to think too much about it, but when I do, I am simply surprised. And sometimes I wonder what is wrong with him.
He accepts so many, no ALL, of the obstacles we face. And they all come from me.
He doesn’t think of it as a huge thing, and maybe that is even true. For me, it is pretty big. And I am grateful and overwhelmed and touched and humbled.
I never imagined, I’d find anything even remotely similar to what we have. And I will try and show him my appreciation, devotion, love, and gratitude in every possible way.
Through letters, pickles, or the look in my eyes.