I have a monthly task. I have to write 150 words. Not just any words. There’s a topic. And somehow I struggle with this task a lot.

Sometimes writing is easy. The words simply come to you and you write and write and write. And in other occasions it’s hard. No words come to mind or if they do, putting them down is impossible. You feel like whatever you write makes no sense.

How is it with that task? A little bit of everything.

As mentioned before, I often have trouble saying what I want and need. Especially when it is connected to sex and intimacy. I’m not sure why that is. But fact is, it is and it needs to be dealt with.

Telling someone my fantasies and things that turn me on, is nearly impossible. Again, no idea why.

So to help me I got a task. Every months I have to write at least 150 words about things that turn me on. Just to give you a picture of how much I try to avoid that: Today is August 29th and I still haven’t done the task. I have started, but I’m up to 20 words… 130 to go.

I write more than 150 words a day, every day. And this month in particular, with my daily posts. Why are those words so hard?

I have been thinking about it a lot. And I came to the conclusion that there are several reasons. First of all, I get very shy when it comes to actually saying naughty things. Saying “fuck me” is always an inner struggle. I know it can be frustrating for the man I’m with, but that’s the way I am. Whether it’s my upbringing or things I’ve experienced with situations in my past, I don’t know and I will need to find out.

Another aspect is that I feel the things that turn me on aren’t that exciting or special. Depending on my mood they follow one pattern or the other, but all in all are similar. How can I write 150 words about the same thing in a different way every month?

Another thought I have, but don’t like to admit, is that while some things get me off and I find really arousing, I would never want to experience. Not even in a safe and loving relationship. And even writing them to another person scares me. So I’m not sure that the 20 words I have written for this month will ever be finished, send, and read.

Maybe one day I will be able to actually say or write about it, but for now other fantasies will have to do. So, here are my more than 150 words for August.

I want to go to a club or something of that kind. It’s not something I haven’t done before, but not in a long time and I know that I enjoyed it a great deal. I want be seen by other and watch others interact and play. Watching porn is nice and all, but seeing a cock sucked in real life is way hotter. Be the audience while a sub is punished or simply flogged for fun, makes me smile and long for it. I want to hear people interact. Hear how they talk to each other, what they say, how others respond.

At the same time the idea of being watched by people and hear them comment on how I suck cock or fuck or take a spanking really makes me wet. Knowing that they watch and get off on it – delicious. There’s a great word in German. “Wichsvorlage” the translation I found was “wanking material”. It means that someone wanks while thinking of you or looking a pics of you or watching you. And the idea to be just that in the club is very hot.

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