“So many things to unlearn….”The Other Me
So many things to write about when it comes to this quote. On the other hand, I had a post I started a few days ago and when thinking about it, it fit.
You are always such a good girl.
Isn’t that a lovely thing to hear or read? I love hearing “good girl”. It gets to that very special place in my mind, and my body. I love being a good girl.
Being told that I am always a good girl should make me feel extra good. And one day it will… Maybe.
I remember the first time Michael called me a good girl. Oh the feelings! And it still is amazing. I try being a good girl and do my tasks and behave. But I also know that I fail. I forget things, I miss deadlines. The regular stuff.
I try not to find excuses. If it was out of my control, then it was out of my control. I don’t feel bad about it. Anymore.
And when I fail at a task, I say so and accept the consequences. I do feel bad about it, but not for too long. I know that all is forgiven at one point. Maybe not right away, but we move on.
That too is something I needed to learn. Or unlearn really. I know how bad I felt, when I didn’t do a task. For whatever reason. I felt bad for long and I think it was worse, when it was out of my control. Unlearning is harder than learning. You already have feelings, thoughts, opinions, answers set and unlearning them is a long process.
One thing I still am working on is accepting to hear that I’m always a good girl. What happened when he told me that I am exactly that?
My brain said: Nope! I’m not.
How can I always be a good girl when I fail and don’t do my tasks or as I’m told? It doesn’t compute.
And what happened when I heard him say those words, or read them really? I denied it. I told him that it’s not true. And then I fell back into that pattern that I have. I began pushing him away. With words and ideas. I told him that obviously that isn’t true and how could he even say that. Wouldn’t someone else be better?
I fell back into old patterns.
Unlearning is hard. In this case, I know, it will take me much longer than it already has. He will need to be patient, like he always is. And I will need to accept that he is just that.
One day I will know that failing at tasks or missing tasks doesn’t mean I’m not always a good girl.
Once I’ve learned that, there will be so many other things to be unlearned.