There’s no place for love in D/s

I didn’t read that prompt anywhere, nor was it suggested to me. It’s a quote of what I said to Michael during a call. The conversation was about just that and in that moment I said: “There’s no place for love in D/s – how about that for a quote for NoTrueWay?”

Now, let me explain my unpopular opinion:

I have been in several (many) d/s relationships. And yet I haven’t been in a d/s relationship. To make, what I’m trying to say, more clear, let’s use different words.

I have been with dominant men. We spent time together. With some, it was more time, less with others. Some stayed part of my life for longer, others went as fast as they came (no pun intended). Maybe, because English isn’t my first language, I don’t have a better different word than “relationship”, when describing what we were. So, for the sake of this post, let’s call them “connections”. So, I had many D/s connections.

Why am I using a different word? Because it weren’t relationships in a way I’d describe a normal relationship. We weren’t a couple that also did d/s, we were first and foremost d/s and also talked about and did normal couple stuff. Like movies or politics. Am I being a little bit clearer?

Now the love part.

I loved P. He was the first dom in my life and we were together for more than two years. Now we can analyse all that, yet that’s not for a post, but the therapy session, itlf at all I made my feelings clear, and while he said he loved me to, he made clear that it was with a “lower-case l, not an upper-case L”. Let’s settle on: He cared for me, but not same way I cared for him.

I loved F. That was intense and the way my body reacted after we were broken up only tells me the same thing. It’s hard for me to say what it is that he felt for me. But if I was to believe what he told me last year, it wasn’t love. Again, he cared a great deal, but it wasn’t nearly what I felt.

Between those two and after F, there were men and yes, there were feelings, I was smitten, I also tried the no-emotions-approach (needless to say that didn’t work), but there was no love.

In my vanilla relationships, where there was love, there was no d/s, obviously.

Now, as we’re all aware, I am d/s-ing again. It started as reaching out to a Twitter friend, turned into flirting and teasing, and suddenly d/s was involved. We have told each other and the world that there is love. And there is. For a while I was overwhelmed by the fact that the love I was feeling was reciprocated. I’ve come to terms with it, most of the time.

Are we a relationship or a connection? Yes.

Primarily we are d/s. That is how it started. We didn’t chat/go out/whatever and then introduced d/s into an existing relationship. Would we have found each other without it? What, if suddenly there was no more d/s for either or both of us? Is d/s the foundation of us?

Those questions are for another post, and probably for a few talks between Michael and I.

Now, to the idea of the meme. On a regular day, besides the things which have become like a second nature – good morning messages, my affirmations etc. – we talk about all kinds of stuff. You know, like normal people. Work, kids, cooking, politics, shopping… And even when I call him Sir, I don’t feel disconnected from the love I feel. Or from him loving me.

But then there are moments where it’s different. Sometimes he gets very strict. And oh my, do I love those moments. My brains flips right to my submissive side, I get a total rush, it’s amazing. Just thinking about it excites me! While I’m experiencing that and the aftermath, I feel disconnected with anything loving. I know he loves me and I love him, but it feels like it’s pushed away and there literally is no place for love, when d/s kicks in like that. I get quieter and overthink whether random things I am about to say need to be said or shared now.

I find it hard to switch back to our everyday conversation and tone. It seems to be so much easier for him, if it’s any effort at all. I’m not sure whether it’s my mind, my emotions, my heart that make a distinction between love and d/s. But I can’t deny that it’s there.

Now to be fair, I’m not sure whether it’s the same when we’re together. The look in his eyes changes, so does the tone if his voice. The rush I feel is the same, but I find it easier to get back to my normal place. But I’m not sure whether I feel the same disconnection with love as I do when we are apart.

But for now, all I can say for myself: When d/s kicks in, there’s no place for love.

Read very different takes on love and d/s:


  1. What you describe about the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice when he gets serious, I completely identify with and get that. When you love someone more than they turn out to have loved you it’s hard. Difficult the other way round too. Personally I prefer my D/s relationship now, where we both love each other very much than the one I had where he really didn’t. Great post Lilith.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: