Never Have I Ever…
…told someone about the dominant I used to be with.
Let’s call him R.
Technically it’s not true. I have told the world about him. There are posts about him in here, I have mentioned him on Twitter, and there’s that one RL friend that knows about him. What I have never shared were specific details about our relationship.
Looking back I know why didn’t tell anyone about it. Because I knew, I’d tell anyone, they’d tell me that it’s not good for me.
It was 2014. The Captain had broken up with me. And I was in this very, very bad place. I lost weight, I had trouble breathing, I cried a lot. I never had a break up that bad. I know we only were together for a short time, but those months were so intense and wonderful and just what I had longed for for so long, that it had that effect on me. So, I was a wreck.
To get my mind of him, I went back to dating sites. And on on the one I meet him, I also started talking to this guy. R.
All was good and nice, until I realised he wasn’t local. Not even close. But apparently he was to move to my part of Germany soon. Work related. I did the whole “I won’t get into a d/s relationship before meeting you” routine and he was very understanding. Well, we can all guess what happened soon….
I submitted to him. I will not share all the details and rules and things. Many I have talked about in Twitter or this blog (some went to draft or somehow got deleted…oops). But there was one specific thing that I haven’t talked about on here or Twitter.
As I said, he wasn’t local and long story short, he didn’t move to this area while we were still d/s-ing. Not sure he did ever. But, oh well.
One of the things he enjoyed was knowing that I was fucked by other men. Noting wrong about that, if that’s something you’re into. But I knew then, just as I know today, that it’s not for me.
Yet, I played along. I made an account on a German website just for hook ups and I joined Tinder. And I have to admit, I met some interesting people there. And I had really good experiences. Like my first MFM. One of the men I’m still in contact with. All very innocent, but we’re friends and used to meet for coffee every now and then.
But I also had some very bad experiences. Like the guy, who was married and went to sex clubs and cinemas and never use protection, who came in my mouth – without my consent.
Before R and I got into a relationship, I had slept with about 10 men. After the time we were together the number had tripled. And then within a very short time period.
Why did I allow that to happen?
That is a question I was asked by a man I was seeing later. And that question bothered me. Because somehow I felt that I was the one to blame. By the end of R and I, I was very unhappy. Up until the moment I broke it off. It felt like a heavy weight was lifted.
How did that all happen?
That is a better question to ask. I was hurting really, really bad. Now, years later I know that it took me several years to get over the Captain. I was punishing myself and felt thar and I didn’t deserve anything good. I thought I only deserved what I could have, not what I really wanted.
I have never told anyone about R and all the men he “made” me sleep with. But I decided it is time. And November seems like the perfect month.