Never Have I Ever…
…been in a relationship like this one before.
And I’m learning every day.
When I learned words like “dominance”, “submission”, “BDSM”, “d/s”, it wasn’t a revelation to me. It only showed me that what I was feeling and craving and fantasising about actually had a name. And I wasn’t alone.
The other day I was in a mood. I wasn’t upset with Michael. If I were, I would’ve told him. I was unhappy with the situation. Besides Covid and the world, I was very busy. So was he. We didn’t have a call in what feels like forever. When I had some time, I wasn’t alone or he was busy and the other way around. As I said, I was in a mood and well, he noticed. Mostly because I acted in a way that he would.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve when I am that way. Push him away, force a reaction, have a fight, get attention. It might be all those things or neither. But the why is not the point here. During the conversation that followed the next days, I have learned more about myself, being a submissive and being submissive.
In the past I have written about me struggling with my submission and not being able to see how something like 24/7 might work, for me. How can I ask permission for things I usually ask permission for and call him Sir, if I’m upset or angry with him? Michael and I talked a lot about this and I understand his point of view.
He is always a dominant. Even when he doing non-domly things. It’s what he is. So when I don’t say Sir or any of the others things we negotiated, it feels like I’m withdrawing my submission. It makes him think that I don’t want his dominance. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with his dominance, but with my submission.
For a while now, when a situation like that occurred, I’d say “I’m struggling with my submission”. But after our recent conversation, I don’t think that is accurate.
I am submissive and I am a submissive. But not always. I don’t need to explain how I’m not always submissive. That’s not me.
But, I’m also not always a submissive. I’m not connected with my submission all the time. It’s not what I am. It is part of me. And that’s the point. It’s a part, not all of me.
How do I say “I’m not feeling submissive” without him hearing “I don’t want your dominance”? How can I act the way I think I need without hurting him? How do I explain it without questioning whether d/s is what I want and need? How can I be a submissive when I’m not feeling submissive?
How do I prove that I am his submissive even when that part of me is not dominant at that moment (pun intended)?
Being (a) submissive is hard. For me at least. I often joke that as a submissive I only do as I’m told and submit to his will. But it’s not true. Its not me – and its one of the reasons he is with me.
We’re not just dom and sub. We’re also Michael and Lilly. And that is new for me. This is not just a d/s relationship, like I had before. D/s is part of it, but it’s not all that it is. So I guess the only thing to do is learn and talk and grow together.