Never Have I Ever…
…so consciously decided to embrace the feeling of being scared.
As I have tweeted a couple of days ago, I’m craving a Mean Day™. When I brought it up with Sir, he replied: “We can do Mean Day™ any day you choose.” Today I looked at my calender and suggested next week, Tuesday or Wednesday. His response: “We can do both :)”
That moment I bit my lip.
Michael introduced the concept of Mean Days™ to me. We started with a Mean Week™ which was alright and we continued on to having Mean Days™ every now and then. I have written about them and tweeted during these days as well.
As we got to know each other better, the days and the things done during those days changed. Sometimes they are so intense that I drop really hard two days later (because that’s how long need). Others were even more intense and we needed to stop them. We talked a lot during and after these days. How I felt, how he felt. What each of us liked and what we didn’t like. On occasion he’d ask me what I want to do and made do and he’d make that part of Mean Day™.
I have come to love Mean Days™. For many reasons. They are intense and I get to do and try things, I wouldn’t want in our daily d/s dynamic. They allow me let go and give away control – something I really have trouble with. Because I know, it will be over and we will go back to the way we are on normal days.
Mean Days™ also strengthen our connection. We don’t get to see each other as often as we’d want and sometimes life is so busy and our lives so uncoordinated that we go for several days without actually hearing each other’s voices, expect for voice messages. Mean Days™ make me feel closer to him. And I carry that feeling for a while after one of those days ends.
Let’s get back to be biting my lip and considering his suggestion. I’m not sure whether he was joking or actually meant it, but a part of me was intrigued right away.
Another part of me was wondering whether I’m out of my mind. It was a feeling. I was scared. Not that frightened type of scared. But still scared. What scared me were not the days themselves, not entirely. But also the part that comes after. The dropping, the emptiness that is left after a high.
“Both days will end at 9pm your time” he wrote after I told him about the lip biting and the considering. There’d be a break between the two days, some aftercare, but in between.
I still felt scared. I have done things even if I was scared before. But that was more of a “I have no other choice, so I need to go on with that” scared. Like telling my boss I screwed up or even stepping out of the airport to meet a man for the first time. Different situations, but still scary and nothing I could avoid.
Today, instead of saying no or agreeing because “it’s expected” (not that he’d ever expect it), I let the feeling of being scared be part of me. I embraced it and enjoyed feeling it. Instead of pushing the feeling away or ignoring it, I allow myself to feel it and be part of the experience.
No matter how scary the things he has planned for me are or how I will feel when I drop, I know that I’m safe.