Dreaming of a Future - Lillith Avir

Never Have I Ever…

…made plans for the future involving a Dom.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I did a lot of dreaming. Because that’s who I am. I dream and wonder about the “what ifs”. With at least one Dom in my life, I played different scenarios in my head. And today I can say, I’m glad none of those scenarios actually happened.

With many men I didn’t dream, even less made plans, because it were LDR. Like Germany/US. There never was any option of it being anything but short-lived.

So, even with those that were close by, I can only speak for myself when I say, I had dreams or possible futures in mind. I don’t think either of them had. They never shared. Neither did I. Plans involved today, next week, the coming month. Nothing too far in the future.

Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.
Gloria Steinem

Along comes Michael. And suddenly I have those plans and ideas and dreams. It’s scary and a bit weird. I’m not used to talk to someone about “One Day”.

That “One Day” is not a day when we will see each other again, it’s a day where we know we won’t need to part again.

Last night, as I was falling asleep, my mind wandered to One Day. It wasn’t one of those evenings where I fall asleep dreaming of something that one day might or might not be. It was very realistic.

I don’t know anything. With the way the world is right now, I don’t even now when I will see any of my local friends. Even less so, when I will get to see Michael. And with the current situation I don’t see any reason to think about anything other than seeing each other and spending a few days together. Dreaming and planing for a future, seems so unrealistic and unreal.

That made me sad. Not knowing what will be possible when, but also, when situations will change. Will they ever change? What are the possible outcomes? And so many “what ifs”. What if something happens? What if one day I’ll get a call and Covid will prevent me fron travelling? What if the changes we want will take years? What if it’s too late by then? What if…

I know what he will say when he reads that and it will reassure me and make me feel better. And we will go back to dream and while dreaming we will make plans. And who knows, maybe One Day will come and sooner than I expect it. And it will be good, because we’re dreaming of making plans together.

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