Yesterday was Mean Day™. There were rules and tasks and so on. Same as on any of those days. As usual we both enjoyed the day.
One of my tasks was to contemplate my submission for at least 30 minutes. The thoughts I had on that day will be used in a future blog post. And I can already say that it will be more than one post. A few thoughts here, a couple of thoughts there. That also reprepresents what goes on in my head pretty well.
I want to be the best submissive I can be. And here we already face the first problem. Not really a problem, let’s call it a challenge. When speaking of submissives we often have a mental picture. Something we grew up with, or learnt through society or just when we finally learnt about d/s and all that wonderful stuff. We, and here I’m speaking about normal people, not the Uber-Doms and their submissive counterparts, also know that somebody who is submissive doesn’t necessarily appear or act submissive all the time. There’s a time and place. I know there are people out there, who enjoy living out their submissive side 24/7. And sometimes I envy them.
I want to be able to get into that headspace and stay there. There are moments where it works. It’s special circumstance when I achieve that myself. But I also know that I need to be careful there. The easiest way for me to feel something that is very close to the way I feel, when I feel submissive, is when I start feeling that I failed or am not good enough. It’s a huge trigger and I have yet to find a way to tell those feelings apart. I want my submission to be connected to positive feelings and derive from happiness.
Another way for me get in touch with my submission is through actions. But that I find to be very hard. When we are together and even more so, when we are apart. He can spank me for 30 minutes and I get quiet and let go of thoughts and the pain. And yet, the moment it’s over – it’s over. When we are apart it’s even harder. There are no looks or tones or hands around my throat.
What I have found to help me a lot is him. There are things he says and my mind switches into sub-mode. “Who owns you?” Three simple words. Just an example.
So, back to yesterday. I was walking and we were on the phone and he was doing his very best and working hard to teach me to be his whore. Poor guy. Michael did his best to make me say things and there will be another post about my inability to talk dirty.
The things he was saying to me were slowly putting my head into that wonderful subby space. I was reacting to it, but please remember, we are talking about me here.
There I was, listening to that wonderful man, being just the way I want him to be and saying the things I love to hear. And believe me, I really wanted to get caught in that moment and those feelings. And I would’ve, if it wouldn’t be for my head. Good thing I was wearing my mask, because I was biting my tongue and actually pressing my lips together in order not to just say the things that were going through my mind. It’s true I can’t help it. I know he wouldn’t want it any other way, but it’s moments like that when all I want is to turn my head off and be.
Later that day I tweeted:
My life as a submissive would be much easier, if I wasn’t such a huge smartass.
e.g. We’re talking, he’s saying all those things that put me in a submissive place. He’s training me.
And head goes crazy with smartass comebacks.
As I said before, I want to be the best submissive I can be and that is the point. It’s who I am and what I make of it and nothing else. And maybe I need to find a way to accept that I won’t be the submissive I imaged I’d be, but the submissive I am.
The Submissive Smartass