I’m not a very creative person.
No, you say? Well, but I am, I tell you. Let me explain what I mean.
I am a practical person. I can organise an event for you and it will most likely go just the way I planned it and everything will be on time (if everyone does what I tell them to do). I can connect people and in this way be part of whatever they create together. Allow me to make you lists and charts and stuff to make your life easier and more structured. That I can all do.
But I will not be the one who will do any of the decorations or layouts. I have no feeling for which colours work well together and have a hard time finding just the right amount of flowers on the table of nicknacks to make the room look nice. There’s a reason why there are almost no picture in my flat, because I suck at arranging them.
When it comes to words, I too am not creative. Unless I’m writing. When I’m wiring, I sometimes can’t stop myself and often my phone or the laptop create new words, because I’m typing too fast, to get all the thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. It’s a very different story when I have to say things.
Of course it depends on the topic. There are things I can argue about or state my opinion or give a whole lecture on. And even then, I prefer to listen to what others say and think. That gives me times to not only react to their thoughts, but also form my thoughts. All that, is me in the vanilla world.
I’m not too bad at writing naughty things and messages. Because I have time to form the idea and words in my mind. As I said before, writing my posts here is rarely a problem. When I have an idea or inspiration, I type away and have a post ready in a very short time. But here’s where the talking part is even harder. Saying naughty, sexy things – oh dear. I open my mouth and nothing comes out.
There are different things that play a role here. Shame is definitely one issue. Talking about sex is not something that is done often. Even in today’s day and age. Also, and that also plays a big role, a woman talking freely about sex, not to mention kinky stuff, still kind of unthinkable. Or at least it feels wrong for many people.
One other huge part in my inability to say words, is the lack of creativity. Michael doesn’t believe me. But it’s true.
Here’s an example. He asks me to tell him, why I’m his good little whore. The best thing I can come up with right at that moment is “Because I want Daddy to fuck me”. (We’re into dd/lg btw). My mind goes completely blank. Then he gives me an example and tells me what he’d like me to do or do to me. Those things always sound good. Well, most of the time. But they also leave me wondering, why I didn’t come up with any of it.
I course there are moments when I feel shame or embarrassment, but most of the time, I simply can’t come up with anything.
That might also be the reason why there aren’t many stories up on my blog. That was different on the past and I’m not sure what changed. But ever since I came back, I haven’t had the inspiration and creativity to write stories.
And when things actual do come to mind, it’s old or boring or old and boring stuff. So I sit here and wonder whether there’s something stopping me to even form those thoughts or that I indeed lack the creativity and ideas and thus can’t give him what he wants.
Well, that took a darker turn than I expected.
I guess, we will need to see what the future brings and where it leads us and my mind and my partial creativity.